Revenge of the Gamer

I am often asked what it means to be a Zen Buddhist, and I am always happy to answer those questions.  Very few people understand much about the religion, so I decided to write this essay.  I hope it teaches you a bit more about Zen, and about my own personal quest for spiritual enlightenment.  

My Quest for Answers

The great thing about my blog is that I can be as long winded as I want.  So before I tell you about Zen, I’m going to tell you a bit about my quest to find religion.  

When I was six my stepmother enrolled me in Catholic school.  This was the first brush I had with religion, because my father was agnostic and hadn’t addressed the issue.  At first I was both fascinated and excited.  Great, my young self though, I’ve finally found the place with all the answers.  They can tell me everything I need to know, and I’ll finally understand what happens when we die.  

My enthusiasm didn’t last long.  The problem I ran into was that the church didn’t like questions, and I was overflowing with them.  I remember one of the sisters teaching us about the great flood and Noah’s Ark.  I was horrified by the tale, and I made her clarify something for me.   

Did god really wipe out everyone in the world, including all the plants and animals?  The sister told me he had, but that god’s faithful and most of the animals were saved on the ark.  Only the wicked were punished.  

I was silent for a moment while I considered this.  How could animals be wicked?  All the cats and dogs and frogs and lizards had been bad?  That didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.  

So I started asking questions.  One question led to another, which led to another.  Before long the sister was shaking with rage.  My string of questions looked something like this:   

If god is all knowing didn’t he know that people would be wicked?  And, since god had made people and god was perfect, didn’t that mean he intentionally made us so we’d be wicked?  So why did he punish us for being what he made us to be?  If he was perfect than this was all part of his plan, wasn’t it?   

So he’d planned to murder every living thing on the planet, except for the people and animals that got on one boat?  I was horrified.  God sounded like a pretty vindictive dude.  All those dead children and animals didn’t seem fair and I told the sister that. I was made to sit outside in the hall.   

Two days later I was told the story of Jobe, and once again was horrified by what I heard.  God jacked the man over repeatedly based on a bet with the devil?  Whoah, how messed up is that?  Once again I was made to sit in the hall.  Within a few weeks I was kicked out of the Catholic school, and dumped back into public school.  

Yet the experience stayed with me.  I’d learned the concept of hell, and I was terrified I’d be sent there.  The more I learned, the less god made sense to me.  All the sisters and priests could tell me was that I needed to have faith.  Only, I didn’t know how to have faith.  I really tried, but everything I heard about Christianity sounded like a bunch of made up stories.  It wasn’t any more or less far fetched than Greek Mythology or Santa Claus, so why was one right and the others wrong?  I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.   

Finally I met my first athiest, my fifth grade science teacher.  He told me that Christianity was, in essence, a crock of shit.  He explained that people had made up stories thousands of years ago to help them explain the universe, but that they were nothing more than stories.  He also told me that Christians taught that the world was about seven thousand years old, and pointed out that they couldn’t explain dinosaurs.  

So for a few years I called myself an athiest.  I felt much better, because I was no longer worried about going to hell.  But as the years passed a nagging doubt grew in my head.  How could the athiests be sure there was no god?  There wasn’t any proof of his existence, but there wasn’t any proof he didn’t exist either.   

That’s when I learned the word agnostic, and it made a staggering amount of sense to me.  The fact that I didn’t believe in god didn’t preclude his existence.  It just meant I’d never seen anything to convince me he existed.  I still might find that proof, and honestly hoped I would.  The idea of an all powerful entity watching over the world was comforting, and I had a number of very religious friends.  They took a great deal of comfort from their faith, while I was left with nothing but cold hard reality.  

I called myself an agnostic until I was twenty three, so just over ten years ago.  That was when I discovered Zen.  I worked as the head tech for a computer store, and one of the employees was a guy named James.  James was a Zen Buddhist, and I asked him to tell me a little about the religion.  He was more than happy to teach, and he became my mentor for the next few years.  I owe him a huge debt that I can never fully repay.  

What Zen is Not

Zen is a non-historical religion.  It doesn’t have a timeline of when the world was created, and it has no stance on the existence of god.  It doesn’t teach reincarnation (that’s Tibetan Buddhism).  It espouses no beliefs.  

Most religions try to propagate themselves through conversion.  What I mean by this is that Christians, for example, have a duty to teach other people about Christianity.  Zen has no such tenet.  In fact most instructors will only teach you if you ask three times.  They make you work for it, unlike most religions which have often forced their views on others.  

There are no holy books for Zen, such as  the Bible or Koran.  In fact there are no official books at all.   In Zen we don’t believe in the implied duality of right and wrong.  There are no absolutes.  

So what is Zen?

Zen is a philosophy first taught by a guy named Gotama who lived in or around India about five hundred years before Christ was born.  He was the first Buddha and taught that we are all divine beings.  The path to enlightment lay within each of us, and we can all find Nirvana by practicing a simple set of principles.  

Earlier I mentioned that Zen has no religious books.  What it does have are books written by some of the more prominent Buddhists like Steve Hagen.  My personal favorite is Buddhism Plain & Simple, which was the very first book my mentor recommended I read.  It utterly changed my life.  

As good as the book was I eventually moved beyond it.  One of the teachings of Zen is that any book, no matter how good, is like a raft.  You use it to cross the river on your journey of spiritual enlightenment, but once you’ve crossed you have to leave it behind.  The books are useful as a beginning guide, but after that you have to find your own path.  No book or person can do it for you.  

There are the general tenets that we follow though:  

The Four Noble Truths

Truth #1- Life pretty much sucks.  

Truth #2- Life sucks because of attachment.  We either want to get things, like a new car, a better job, or a gorgeous spouse.  Or we want to keep things away, like old age, death, or poverty.  

Truth #3- You can end this suffering.  

Truth #4- This is the meat of the religion, and is called The Eight Fold Path.  It gives eight specific ways you can improve your life and end your suffering.  

   

   

The Eight Fold Path

Right View- In a nutshell right view means seeing the world the way it really is.  It begins with understanding the four noble truths, but progesses to an understanding of all things the further along the path you go.  This is difficult to put into words, and the journey is different for each person that undertakes it.  

Right Intention- Simply put right intention means that everything you do should be done for the right reasons.  It’s a commitment to ethical and moral self improvement.  Basically, you should be a better person for no other reason than to be a better person.  Not because you fear hell, or because you want people to see you as a good person.  

It means resisting desire in all forms, avoiding both anger and aversion, and avoiding cruelty, violence or aggression.  Note that it doesn’t say any of these things are wrong, or that you’d never do them.  Violence might make sense if you’re defending your home.  

Right Speech- Avoid lying or telling falsehoods.  Avoid slanderous speech and don’t talk smack about others.  Abstain from harsh words that will hurt others wherever possible.  Avoid idle chatter that serves no purpose.  Don’t gossip.  Simple stuff, but very powerful.  

Right Action- Avoid hurting sentient beings including yourself.  Try to avoid stealing, deceit or dishonesty.  Basically, try to be a moral person who doesn’t harm others.  

Right Living- Right living teaches that your job should allow you to sleep at night.  If you’re swindling people, killing bunnies or doing something else that feels wrong then you should get another job.   

This particular one has a lot of meaning for me, because I was making six figures in LA.  I quit that job because I was hurting a lot of people by allowing them to get bad mortgages.  Now I work for a credit union helping people recover financially, and its much more rewarding.  I find I sleep much better at night.  

Right Effort- This precept teaches that when you know something is bad, put it aside.  When you know something is healthy, do it.  This includes things like avoiding drugs or alcolhol, and working out to keep yourself healthy.  It’s basically channeling your efforts into positive pursuits that will better yourself.  

Right Mindfulness- This one is all about perception, and is also called true seeing.  We have a tendecy to make assumptions and correlations about things when we see them.  For example if you see a person you will immediate make judgements based on their clothing, ethnicity and sex.  Right mindfulness teaches you to avoid doing that, and to simply observe rather than categorize as we so often do.  

Right Concentration- This precept is also called meditation.  Meditation is something I’ll delve into in a longer article, but I can tell you from experience that meditating daily will make you calmer, happier and more in tune with your surroundings.  

   

   

Some notes about Zen

Thoughts on Belief- Zen teaches that you shouldn’t believe anything, instead you should perceive without judgement.  What does that mean exactly?  I’ll give you an example stolen from Steve Hagen.  Let’s just say I hold out my hand in a closed fist.  I might have a quarter in the palm of my hand, but you don’t know whether I do or don’t.  

You can believe I do, or believe I don’t but you don’t know.  You might be right, or you might be wrong but have no way of knowing for sure.  However, as soon as I open my hand the need for and the usefulness of belief vanish.  You can see whether I have a quarter or not, so what you believe is irrelevent.  

In more practical terms instead of having beliefs, like a belief in god, we have ideas or theories.  I might think something is a certain way, or have a theory about what happens when I die.  However, if I turn those into beliefs I’m closing my mind to the possibility that I’m wrong.   

It was exactly that sort of mindset that had Gallileo imprisoned in a tower for years because he said the sun was the center of the solar system.  Because they believed the earth was the center of the universe, people were not receptive to such a radical new idea even though it was true.  

Right and Wrong-  In religions like Christianity you are taught that certain things are always right, or always wrong.  For example one of the ten commandments is Thou shall not steal.  Stealing is wrong, period.  But what if you need to steal to feed your family?  What if someone had a gun and you knew they were going to use it to kill someone you loved?  Would stealing that gun be wrong if it saved a life?  

Zen doesn’t believe in absolutes.  You should generally avoid stealing, and generally avoid lying.  However, since the universe is fluid you never know when it might make sense to lie or steal.   Imagine you are in Nazi germany and the gestapo is at your door.  If you were harboring Jews would it be wrong to lie about them being in your home?  

Of course you’d lie, because in that instance lying is the compassionate right thing to do.  This is why we don’t believe in absolutes.  You should do the right thing in every situation, but ultimately only you can decide what that right thing is.  

In Conclusion

There’s a lot more to the practice, of course.  The more you learn the more truths become evident over time.  It’s a never ending struggle, but the longer you go the easier things get.  Learning Zen has vastly improved my life, and every time I stray and stop practicing for any length of time I regret it.  

I began my practice in earnest again about two months ago, and have seen a tremendous difference in my quality of life and mental well being.  I can’t believe how much I missed it, and am so thankful to have rediscovered my path.

If you are feeling lost spiritually, have tried other religions and they just don’t fit, or are simply curious I encourage you to pick up Buddhism Plain and Simple by Steve Hagen.  It gives a wonderful overview of Zen, and it changed my life.  I hope it has the same impact on yours.

Disclaimer: Yes, I smoked marijuana.  However, for the last several years I did so legally with a doctor’s prescription.  I no longer smoke, but wanted it clear that when I did I broke no laws.  I know there are a lot of jokes about people faking ailments to get a prescription, but in my case I had a very valid reason.  I used Marijuana as an anti-depressant, because it worked where prozac and zoloft failed. 

I spent much of my youth growing up in upstate New York, which has the most rabid anti-drug propaganda I have ever seen.  I remember watching a video in my seventh grade health class that claimed all drugs were as addictive as heroin.  One puff of a joint and you’d go from an upstanding citizen to a degenerate junky. 

We even watched that old Reefer Madness film put out in 1936.  In a nutshell it taught us that marijuana would cause you to commit rape, murder and/or go insane.  I accepted this as fact, because no other views were presented.  The sum total of my drug knowledge came from outdated and innacurate propaganda designed to frighten children into obedience.

At first this tactic worked perfectly.  I was terrified of drugs, and the last thing I would ever do was try marijuana.  The problem with this approach is that it was based on lies.  Smoking marijuana will not cause you to rape women.  Nor will it cause you to commit murder or go insane.  Mostly it results in you sitting on the couch and eating a lot of junk food while watching Beavis & Butthead.

I didn’t know that of course.  When I was twelve I’d sooner have chopped off a limb than smoked a joint.  This fear lasted for two years, when my father was arrested for possession of marijuana and methamphetamines.  It rocked my entire world, because I idolized him.  If he used drugs, I reasoned, how bad could they be?

My father held a prestigious position as a controller for a large company.  He was the president of the school board.  He was married and raising three children.  How was that possible if he’d been using drugs?  Everything I’d been taught suggested that he should be broke, peniless and alone.  Drugs were evil.  Weren’t they?

I was very logical at a young age, and the logic here was inescapable.  My father was living proof that drugs couldn’t do what I’d been taught.  Obviously I was being lied to.  The question I kept asking myself was why?  Why would my school lie about drugs?  This led to a natural curiousity about what drugs were really like.

I didn’t act on this curiousity until I was sixteen, because of what happened to my father.  He lost his position as the president of the school board, and was on the front page of the local paper.  Everyone, and I mean everyone in our town knew what he’d done.  Suddenly my friends weren’t allowed to hang out with me anymore.  Our family was ostracized.  Drugs seemed to carry a steep cost, and I had no desire to go down the same road.

Because of my father’s arrest life became so bad for my family that we decided to move.  This was something we did every couple of years, so it didn’t surprise me.  We picked up and crossed the country, landing in sunny northern California.

I quickly learned that California has a much different attitude towards marijuana.  In New York it was a crime akin to rape, and people never openly admitted to drug use.  In California just about everyone I knew smoked weed.  Many of my friends even smoked it with their parents.  I’d moved to the land where hippies go to die, and it had a vey noticable effect on the culture.  Even those that didn’t smoke were usually ok with it, and only a bare handful had the rabid anti-drug stance I’d been taught back home.

When I was sixteen one of my new friends, a jovial guy by the name of Jacob Merriman, loved to smoke.  We organized a camping trip and he brought along some marijuana.  That was the first time I ever smoked, and I had an absolute blast.  Getting high was more fun than I ever could have imagined, and the best part was that I didn’t notice any side effects.

I wasn’t addicted.  I didn’t crave marijuana after smoking, though it was so much fun I looked forward to an opportunity to do it again.  The experience was so positive that it shattered my confidence in the system.  It confirmed the lies I’d been told in New York, and destroyed any respect I had for authority.  

As a toddler I’d been lied to about Santa Claus.  Now as a teen I was being lied to about drugs.  It established a pattern that I didn’t like, and I quite rightly assumed that I was being lied to about other things as well.  I became an anti-establishment pro-hippy rebel, with the full support of my father who’d long espoused the same views.

As the years passed I smoked off and on.  Marijuana is expensive, and while it was fun to smoke it wasn’t as much fun as having money to buy roleplaying games.  I often had to make a choice between weed and the latest gaming book, and gaming almost always won.

By the time I graduated high school I smoked almost every weekend, usually at parties.  My parents decided to move yet again, and this time when they headed down to San Diego I stayed behind in Santa Rosa.  The next few years were a smoke filled haze. 

During that time I took a number of trips down to see my family, and on one of them I realized my father was still smoking.  I confronted him about it, and he denied it until I admitted that I was smoking too.  For the first time in my life I had something to bond with my father over.  He was overjoyed, and I thought the idea of smoking with him was officially the coolest thing ever.  My mother knew nothing about it of course.

Then my father ran into problems with his connection.  His solution?  He asked me to get it for him.  My (ex)wife was understandably leery, but in the end she agreed.  So we drove three hundred miles to the town of Buttonwillow in central California to meet my father.  It was the midway point between Santa Rosa and San Diego, which seemed like the logical place to meet.  I made the exchange, and my father told me how proud of me he was. 

Before I go any further I need to stress how important this was to me.  My father wasn’t proud when I was offered a full scholarship to Annapolis (which requires the sponsorship of a congressman), or when I got a 1390 on the SATs.  When I had my first article published in the local paper at age fourteen he told me it could have been written by a five year old.  When I hit the high honor roll I was given a grudging nod of respect, but instead of telling me he was proud he threatened to ground me if I got a single ‘C’ on my report card.

Yet me bringing him drugs made him proud.  Looking back now I am filled with disgust whenever I think of my father, but at the time I would have done anything to hear those five little words.

My father smoked about two ounces a month.  For those not familiar with marijuana that’s enough to supply your average fraternity for the same length of time.  All of my friends put together would have been hard pressed to burn through that much weed.  The idea that one person could smoke it was mind boggling.

As I’d now become my father’s source he expected me to drive down once a month to make the exchange.  He lied to my mother, of course, so she had no idea what he was asking me to do.  Darlene and I quickly decided these trips weren’t worth it, but my father worked me over emotionally.  He all but begged, and told me that if I was a dutiful son I’d find a way to get it to him.

In the end he suggested I mail it.  He wanted me to ship marijuana through UPS, even though he’d been busted for doing exactly the same thing ten years earlier.  I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway.  I did it because I didn’t want to lose my father’s respect, and he made it clear it was at stake.  My entire life could have been ruined, but he didn’t care so long as he got what he wanted.

This soured my desire to smoke so I quit for a while when I was twenty-three.  That lasted two years until I divorced Darlene, which sent me into a spiral of depression.  To be honest I needed something to dull the pain.  I started smoking again, and buried myself beneath a haze of smoke because it made the pain of day to day life tolerable.

For the first time I wasn’t using marijuana as a recreational drug.  I was using it as medication.  Was it the best anti-depressant?  I don’t know as I only ever tried Zoloft and Prosac, but it was definitely better than those.  It balanced me out, and pushed away the depression.

Not long after that I lost my job and moved in with my family in San Diego.  Being that close to my father showed me the man in a way I’d never seen him.  I realized how toxic he was, and how much damage he’d done to me over the years.  I didn’t care if I had his approval anymore.  I just wanted to get away from him, so I moved in with my then girlfriend Brandy up in Los Angeles.

Moving took away my access to marijuana, which was fine because I’d decided I didn’t need it anymore.  Instead of drugs I used success to stave off the depression.  I had a meteoric rise through the mortgage industry, and within a couple of years was making even more money than I had as a software engineer.  For five years I didn’t touch marijuana, except for my annual trips back to Santa Rosa to see Trevor, Jeff and Saul.

During my final year living in Los Angeles my best friend Jeff moved down and ended up in the same apartment complex.  We smoked occasionally and I found that I really missed getting high.  Sitting around passing a bong back and forth while discussing life was a hell of a lot of fun, and we really enjoyed it.  I told myself I’d  smoke moderately, and for a long time I did.

Then we moved back to Santa Rosa.  Suddenly I reconnected with all my high school and college friends, all of whom still smoked.  Much to my amusement most were still sitting in the same spot on the couch as when I’d left six years before.  Having escaped the vortex of L.A. I told myself I’d earned a break, and decided to join them. 

For the next several months  Jeff and I lived in a haze of marijuana and World of Warcraft.  It was an amazing amount of fun, at least at first.  Like everything done to excess eventually smoking lost some of its appeal.  I neglected many things in my life including my weight and appearance.  Before I knew it I was wallowing in depression.  Instead of helping me marijuana had become part of the problem.

For the two and a half years I smoked nearly every day, because I was caught in a vicious cycle.  My life was painful, and the marijuana dulled that pain.  Unfortunately a lot of the reason my life was painful was because I was high all the time.  I hardly ever left the house unless it was to go to work, and pretty much became a hermit because of the massive social anxiety I felt at the thought of being around other people.

I began smoking less, and when Jeff and I moved out on our own we really cut down.  I started taking week long breaks, and found I was able to accomplish a lot when I wasn’t smoking.  The problem was that without the weed the full weight of the world came crashing down on me.  All the pain and depression came flooding back, and each time it happened I quickly fled back into a smoke filled haze.

On one of these breaks I took a damn good look at myself.  I was fifty pounds overweight, and even though I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world I didn’t ever see it.  I was trapped in my house, and never got out to see the redwoods, wine country or the northern California coast.

My life snapped into razor sharp focus.  I realized that while marijuana might help me deal with my depression the side effects simply weren’t worth it.  The paranoia, social anxiety and loss of short term memory were hampering me too much.  So was the fact that I was spending $250 a month on my medication.

In mid December I looked at what I’d accomplished in 2009 while smoking.  I wrote a pair of novels, many short stories, got promoted at work and had a whole host of other victories.  What could I accomplish if I gave up weed?  How much better would the quality of my life be?

Here I am a few weeks later.  I don’t miss marijuana at all, nor do I plan on going back to it any time soon.  I’m losing weight and am more clear headed than I’ve been in years.  Life is looking up, and while I wrestle with the depression now that I’ve stopped smoking I still think its worth it.

I used the new raise and the money I’ve saved from not smoking to invest in a new camera.  Over the last few weeks I’ve taken it to Armstrong Woods, Sugarloaf Mountain and Goat Rock.  I’ve had a blast hiking and taking pictures, and am finally losing the weight I’ve been trying to get rid of for so long.

I miss smoking, but I don’t miss what it did to my life.  It’s time to face reality head on, and if I occasionally stumble because of the depression as least I have friends and family to help pull me out.

My last entry went over the goals and highlights of 2009.   Now that I’ve spent time reflecting on past accomplishments its time to put together new goals.  Last year I accomplished a lot, and 2010 will be even better.  So without further ado here’s the list:

2010 Goals

• Lose 50 pounds
• Get in good enough shape to do rock climbing
• Get back into paintball
• Finish and submit The Bond of Jhordil
• Finish and submit 12 original short stories
• Learn how to use my expensive new camera
• Visit Yosemite
• Find a Gamer Chica who makes my blood boil and my heart sing
• Add $200 a month to my savings
• Pay my car loan down to $3000
• Be nicer to myself

 

Goal #1- Lose 50 lbs

This one doesn’t need much explanation.  I need to drop fifty pounds and I plan to do it in 2010.  I’ve created a page on this site to track my progress, complete with monthly pictures and weekly updates. 

To accomplish my goal I’ll be going to the gym seven days a week.  As of this writing I’ve been every day since January 1st.  I’ve also signed up for Weight Watchers online, which has worked well for me in the past.  Hopefully between the two I’ll see the results I’m looking for.

 

Goal #2- Get in good enough shape to go rock climbing 

When I was a kid I lived in Scottsdale, Arizona for a few years.  My father took my brother and I out to climb the rocks up to the caves that Navajo ancestors used to use.  I was fascinated by them, and ever since I’ve wanted to take a trip to see the Anasazi caves in the southwest.  For those not familiar Anasazi means ‘Ancient Enemy’ in Navajo.  You can imagine how that fired my imagination as a kid. 

Fat people and rock climbing do not mix, so in addition to losing the weight I need to pack on the muscle.  To do this I’ve decided to hire a personal trainer to kick my ass three times a week.  By this summer I want to be able to scale the massive rocks like this one, at a place called Goat Rock on the northern California coast.

 

Goal #3- Get back into paintball

I love paintball.  LOVE it.  It’s the only sport I’ve ever excelled at, and when I was playing it gave me motivation to stay in shape.  Every weekend I’d come home covered in purple and yellow bruises, but I wore them like badges of honor.  Every one of them was hard earned, and I gave far better than I got. 

I still remember the game when Trevor and I drove up  the field gunning down opponents.  We snagged the flag and brought it back while still under fire.  Effectively we won the game with just the two of us.  It was a hell of a day.

I have all the gear to get back into the game.  All I need to do is lose some weight, so if I hit goal number one and two this should be a snap.

 

Goal #4- Finish and submit The Bond of Jhordil

I’ve been working on my first wholly original novel since October.  I completed the first draft in November, and am 45% through the second draft.  I want to finish the 2nd draft by the end of February, and the third by the end of July. 

After that I’ll shelve it for three months so its not as fresh in my mind, and then I’ll give it one final revision.  By November I want to submit it to Tor Books. 

Of my goals this is the single most important, and also the one I am most sure I will definitely accomplish.  Writing has become a daily task over the last ten months, and now I don’t even think about it.  I just do it.  Now if I can just get Tor to publish the thing…

 

Goal #5- Write and submit 12 short stories

Finishing the novel is a must, but I also want to get my name out there and the best way to do that is with short stories.  I have a billion and five ideas rolling around in my head, so this goal should be easy to meet as well.  I just need to take breaks from the novel, and use that time to finish stories.

The added bonus is that every short story that’s accepted pays me at least $60.  Some sell for as much as $200.  Every time I get a check for my writing it fills me with pride, and motivates me to keep trying.  All the more reason to submit as many as possible!

 

Goal #6- Learn how to use my expensive new camera

Last Sunday I went to the coast to do some hiking, and much to my surprise I saw an eagle.  I named my new eagle buddy Fred, which has no bearing on this goal but hopefully made you snicker.  Anyway Fred flew low over my head, and passed within about twenty feet of me.  It was surreal and I desperately tried to snatch a picture of him.  Unfortunately my iPhone just isn’t fast enough, and all I got was a black blur.

I decided right then that I never wanted to lose an opporunity like that again, so when I got home I started camera shopping.  Amazon was having a special on the Cannon Digital Rebel, which is a beautiful entry level professional camera.  I have no idea how to use it, but this year I want to start exploring photography and see if I can learn to take some amazing pictures.  

Being that I run a blog and live in one of the most beautiful areas of the world I figured it would be pretty handy!  From Yosemite to Armstrong woods to the California coast to Lake Tahoe we have it all.  I want to capture some of that beauty, and I finally have a camera that can do it.  

 

Goal #7- Visit Yosemite  

I haven’t been back to Yosemite since I was married, which was nearly ten years ago.  I have some very fond memories of the trip.  Half Dome, El Capitan and the sprawling forests are amazing.  Now that I have my shiny new camera, I want to use it to capture that magnificence, and I want to do it from the top of El Capitan which I’ve never been brave enough to climb before.  

 

Goal #8- Find a gamer chica who makes my heart sing  

What I’m looking for is as rare as a unicorn and as ephemeral as a rainbow.  I want a pretty gamer chick, who lives in Northern California and isn’t batshit insane.  I’ve met many pretty gamer chicks over the years, but most suffer from one of three problems.  They don’t live anywhere near me, they’re crazy and have a vortex of drama spinning around them or they’re already taken.  

I’m not really sure where to look, but I gather they’ve come out with Gamer Geek dating websites so that’s probably a good place to start.  I should get set up on Yahoo Personals, and post a good picture of me.  The ones I have now don’t show me in the best light, that’s for sure.  Of course getting in shape will help, so if I can accomplish that it will provide a better picture automatically!  

I also have a ton of friends that are pestering me to go on blind dates.  I suppose I could try that as well, the thing is I’m really picky.  I want someone who understands me, and that’s not a common thing.  I’m not looking for a mainstream chick who spends her time shopping for shoes and watching Grey’s Anatomy.  I want one who’s impressed by my arena rating in WoW, and who’d be excited to play in my Exalted campaign.  

 

Goal #9- Add $200 a month to my savings  

My savings took a massive hit over the last three years.  The good news is that I bought everything from a new 42″ TV to a top of the line computer I custom built, complete with a gorgeous 26″ monitor.  I flew up to Oregon to see Megan, and she showed me around Portland which was an absolute blast (thanks Megan!).  There was the move into the new place, a new laptop, a trip to Atlanta and a billion other things I’m probably forgetting.  

The long and short of things is that this year I need to start adding to my savings again.  I’ve recently gotten a raise at work, and since I’m dieting am spending a ton less on food.  That gives me about $300 exta each month so I figured I’d put $200 into savings, and the other $100 into paying down my car which leads me to…  

 

Goal #10- Pay my car under $3000 this year  

When I first got my car in 2005 it was at a 23.9% rate of interest.  The payment was around $400 and very little of that was paying down the principle.  That was just over four years ago, and while I was able to get the interest rate down to 4.99% I’m mightily tired of having a car payment.  

This year I’m throwing every spare penny at the loan.  I owe about $6500 on the car, and I want to get it under $3000 this year.  That would allow me to pay it off in 2011, and as the car only has 30,000 miles on it I’ll have a nice car that I actually OWN.   

The car is my only form of debt, so paying it off means that I am completely debt free.  I’ve got a blog entry queued on the evils of debt slavery, but I’ll give it the short version here.  The real measure of wealth is interest.  If you are paying interest you are poor.  If you are making interest off of your investments you are rich.  The first step to becoming rich is paying off all your debt.   

By 2011 I’ll have done that!  Add in the money I’ve got saved and I’m doing pretty well.  As of this year I finally have a positive net worth, and it will only grow from here on out!  

 

Goal #11- Be nicer to myself  

Being a perfectionist has its upsides.  I can accomplish things that many people would deem impossible, which feels really good when I pull it off.  But it also has a serious downside.  I’m never happy with my own accomplishments, and tend to shrug them off right after I finish them.  

To give an example of what I mean, last year I wrote Yuri Silvertongue & the Violet Spire.  It’s a good novel.  The dialogue is witty and it has a lot of high adventure.  Yet I bag on it constantly.  To me it just isn’t good enough, even though its my first novel and was written before I really understood how to tell a good story.  I hold myself to such a high standard that I expected it to be perfect, and because it wasn’t I’m disappointed.  

If you rewound time to a year ago and told me I’d complete a novel in 2009 I would have been ecstatic at the idea!  Yet now that I’ve done it my response is, “Meh, it could be better.”  I wish I knew why I was that way.  It is a major accomplishment, so why can’t I accept that?  Why do I need to critisize myself over my first attempt at a novel?  Shouldn’t the fact that I finished an entire novel, polished it and submitted it be a massive feather in my cap?  

It should.  I know it should.  My Zen practice teaches me that self-deprication is not only pointless, but damaging.  It’s ok to set high standards for myself, but I need to learn to give myself props for my accomplishments.  I’m holding yet another contract from Palladium Books for one of my stories.  I just cashed a $200 check for a story.  

That’s a hell of an accomplishment.  People are paying me money for my work.  So, Chris, bask in that for a little while.  Stop fretting over the next goal, and take a minute to celebrate your victories!  

Well, that sums up my goals for 2010.  It should be interesting to check my progress in twelve months time!