Revenge of the Gamer

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in myself over the last few years.  I’ve become introverted and avoid conversations with people.  When I do speak I have a difficult time maintaining eye contact.  I come across as timid and soft spoken.  Worse, I have a difficult time getting my point across.

Instead of being articulate and easily explaining complex issues like I used to, I now struggle to relate the simplest topic.  One example is a conversation I had with a friend about one of my favorite books, The Name of the Wind.  He asked me a very simple question.  What is it about?

I fumbled for an answer.  I couldn’t even articulate a few sentences explaining the plot, which is something I could easily do in the past.  I’ve always prided myself on my ability to communicate, but that simple incident shocked and horrified me.

For the first time in my life I could no longer converse with my peers.  Sure, I had moments of lucidity but the longer I talked the more I rambled.  The less sense I made.  I cannot even begin to express the sheer terror that gripped me when I realized this.

The incident with Aaron happened about two years ago, back when we lived together at the 4th street duplex.  I knew then I had a serious problem, but rather than deal with it I retreated deeper and deeper into depression.  I talked less and less, spending most of my time alone playing video games.  Ignoring the problem was the absolute worst thing I could have done, because it only grew worse over time.

In April of 2009 I finally decided that I needed to do something about it.  I didn’t like the way my life was going, and I wanted to reclaim my intellect and my charisma.  I wanted to become the man I’d been before deciding to move back to Santa Rosa, the man who dominated sales at First Metropolitan Funding, who singlehandedly put the company on the map.

But how?  How did I reverse the damage that had been done?  How did I recapture what I’d lost when I wasn’t even sure what was gone?

First I needed to assess the problem and find the cause.  I took a hard look at my life.  What had changed?  There had to be a cause.  The first thing I examined was work.  I spent eight hours a day doing it, so what was different about working in the call center at RCU vs working for FMF down in Los Angeles?

There was a stark difference that all but slapped me in the face.  In Los Angeles my job was to meet people and convince them to send their business to FMF.  Part of that process involved a great deal of interaction with the staff in the office, and the rest was befriending brokers.  I had to be a good conversationalist or I couldn’t be successful.  Contrast that to my job at RCU.

In RCU I worked in a cubicle.  We were tracked by how many minutes a day we were logged into the phone, which meant we didn’t have time to socialize.  Instead of conversing with my coworkers throughout the day I typically spoke to no one.  I’d come in, maybe say hello to a couple of people, and then log into my phone.  At the end of the day I left, saying goodbye to a couple of people.

My only interaction with people at work happened on the phone, and each of these were a brief transaction.  Simple things like me looking up their checking balance.  All of the face time I’d had in Los Angeles was gone, which partly explained why I was becoming such a hermit.

Next I turned my attention to my home life.  What was going on there? 

When I first moved back to Santa Rosa I was still outgoing.  I made an effort to renew connections with my old friends.  I enjoyed getting together with the guys and roleplaying.  However, I noticed a disturbing trend early on.  When I’d run the gaming group in L.A. most people were pretty polite.  We spoke at a normal volume and didn’t talk over each other.

My friends in Santa Rosa interacted much differently.  When the guys got together people constantly talked over each other, and it was an effort to make myself heard.  One of my friends was far louder than the rest, which meant if he was speaking he’d eventually overpower the conversation.  It was really frustrating, because people didn’t listen.  They talked.

I got so sick of fighting to be heard that I talked less and less.  Instead of actively participating in the conversation I’d read a book, or surf the web or play a video game.  This was made even worse, because we were smoking marijuana constantly.  It made it easier for me to tune out the people around me, falling deeper into my own solitary world.

The marijuana created other problems.  I was high a lot of the time, which made it harder to think.  It also killed my motivation.  If you are familiar with The Enneagram I fall into the Achiever category.  I always have to improve myself, partly because it’s a way to secure the approval of my peers.  To put it another way- I have to be the best.

It wasn’t accidental that I went from the mail room to the EVP of sales at the mortgage company I worked for, nor that I started as a junior tech and ended up the manager of Computers for Everyone.  Whatever environment I was thrust into I naturally excelled at.

Yet the marijuana made that sort of excellence impossible at RCU.  I became forgetful and my mind was like a muddy pond.  I sluggishly fought to recall even the simplest of things.  The worst part was that I still had enough self awareness to understand what I’d lost.

The incident where I failed to explain to Aaron the basic plot of The Name of the Wind drove it home with painful clarity.  It wasn’t the only incident either.  There were many other stark reminders of the wretched state I’d allow myself to fall into.

I’d lost my direction.  I had no focus.  I feared interacting with others, because I was ashamed of what I’d become.  My self esteem was reduced to nothing, and I became a quiet mouse who strived to avoid the attention of others.

This brings us back to April of 2009.  I knew what I’d become and I remembered what I’d once been.  The horror finally gave me enough motivation to change things.  I looked at the disugsting duplex I lived in, and decided to move out.  I spoke to Jeff about my frustrations and found he shared a lot of them, so he decided to go with me.

We moved into a much nicer place the following month, and I saw an immediate difference.  My self esteem jumped, because I lived in a clean home.  I was no longer embarassed to have people see where I lived.  Instead I felt something that had been long absent in my life.  Pride.

It didn’t instantly restore me to my old self, not by a long shot.  I’d spent two years falling into a very deep pit, and climbing out proved much more difficult than falling in.  I was still overweight.  I was still smoking marijuana, though at least I was no longer doing it every day.  I still worked a job that provided no social interaction.

Bear in mind I wasn’t consciously aware of all these problems the way I am today.  Back then I thought I’d solved my problems and that things would quickly return to normal.  I didn’t realize I was avoiding social interaction.  I didn’t understand that I was avoiding eye contact with my friends and coworkers.

It wasn’t until December of 2009 that I started putting those pieces together.  I knew I was still a long way from the man I wanted to be.  So in January I made a lengthly list of goals to help me do just that.  The most momentous of these decisions was to quit smoking marijuana.

In examining the problems I faced I’d come to realize that it was my single biggest hurdle.  So I quit.  Cold turkey.  I didn’t wean myself, I just stopped smoking entirely.  The first few months were very challenging, because my body underwent a whole host of withdrawal symptoms.

Part of what I’d been using marijuana for was an antidepressant, and its sudden removal was like a bucket of cold water to the face.  I became angry and sullen, lashing out at friends and family.  This made me feel horrible and I apologized profusely.  Fortunately they were very understanding.

I examined myself closely, realizing that the anger and frustration was a result of my sudden clarity.  I hated what I’d let myself become, and this manifested itself by lashing out at others.  So I hit on a solution.  If I improved my life and strove to be a better person I’d have nothing to be angry about.

By March I was a completely different person.  The THC had left my system entirely.  I had more motivation, more clarity of thought and a better physique.  I worked out like a fiend and started to accomplish more goals.  I transferred to a new department at work, and I started dating Amelia.

Life improved drastically, but I was still not the man I’d been before.  I still had trouble making eye contact, and struggled to have coherent conversations.  I’d lost the ability to be a good listener and to express myself.  I made a conscious decision to try to change these things, and have spent the last several months doing so.

I’ve forced myself to keep eye contact during conversations.  It’s still not easy and occasionally I slip, but I’m doing much better than I have for years.  Conversations can still be challenging.  I have a tendency to jump from subject to subject, and its very difficult to stay focused.  But there has been improvement!  I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in a long while I have a plan to do that.

My MCCC plan

That leads me to today.  I’m writing this in a conscious effort to become a better person.  I want to  practice what I call MCCC.  Memory, Concentration, Conversation and Confidence.   I want to be more social, more active and more productive.  In short I want to be the man I used to, only with more focus, discipline and drive than I ever had in my 20s.

Here’s how I plan to do it.

Memory

One of the well known effects of marijuana is that it impacts short term memory.  Your ability to remember basic facts like phone numbers, or to learn new things is seriously hampered.  Removing the marijuana fixes the chemical issue causing this, but the root problem is still there.

You see the brain works just like a muscle.  The more you use it the stronger it becomes.  By smoking for as long as I had I allowed it to atrophy.  I could no longer do simple things like remember phone numbers, or do complicated math problems in my head.

What’s the solution?  Start working out my brain.  To do this I’ve begun simple exercises in my everday life.  Instead of copying and pasting information at work I memorize it, then type it where it needs to go.  This applies to things like account numbers, names, addresses and other personal information.

I’ve also begun eating better.  Certain vitamins like B12 help with clarity of thought, so I’m striving to include them in my diet.

Another good way to exercise my brain is new activities.  A study I read suggested brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand.  Or getting dressed with your eyes closed.  The point is to force your brain to adapt to new situations, which will cause certain synapses to fire that have been long dormant.

Routines are your enemy, and unfortunately I thrive on them.  So I have to make a conscious effort to do new things.  Fortunately this is something I’ve really been striving to do recently.  I’ve gone out to dinner with Amelia, Nora and Ivonne.  I’ve spent time with Amelia’s parents.  I’ve hiked all over Sonoma County.  I went to Yosemite.

Each of these activities helped, but the most important addition has definitely been programming.  Creating code awakened a long dormant part of my mind, and in the two months I’ve been doing it again I can feel my clarity returning.  The vast intelligence that I have always been so proud of is coming back.  I can solve problems quickly and effectively, and I’m starting to remember how good doing that feels.

Concentration

My concentration has been severely lacking for a while now.  My brain jumps frantically from topic to topic and its very difficult for me to focus on any specific task.  I even worried that I might have ADHD.  I took a test proving that my worries were unfounded.

What I’m lacking is concentration, and that’s because I haven’t cultivated it for years.  So I’ve decided to begin mental excercises to help regain it.

The first is something long absent in my life.  This morning I meditated for the first time in three years.  It was challenging, but then meditation always is in the beginning.  I’m resolved to keep at it, because I know that meditation will help me regain my focus.

The next exercise is similar to meditation.  I study an object like a screwdriver or a book for a few moments, then close my eyes and envision it.  I hold that image in my mind for five minutes.  This was incredibly difficult to do today, but will get easier with time.

The last thing I’m doing is visualization.  I’ve always known that confidence is key to being successful in life.  I also know that you are what you practice.  If you practice being confident, even when you don’t feel confident, you will naturally become more confident over time.  By visualizing myself as a more confident more focused person it’s my hope that I will become just such a person.

Conversation

The horrible atrophy my conversation skills have undergone saddens and appalls me.  I don’t make sense a lot of the time, and I’m not nearly as good of a listener as I once was.  The way to fix this is to practice five very simple principals when conversing with others.

#1- Ask Questions

In my experience most people love to talk about themselves.  Ask them questions and you will naturally propel any conversation forward.  This means being interested in what they are saying, which leads to…

#2- Paying Attention

This is one of the areas that needs the most work.  I used to be a great listener, but now I’m easily distracted.  My own internal thoughts overpower the conversation, and my eyes dart around the room.  I often check my smartphone for texts or emails during conversation. 

Paying attention means meeting people’s gaze.  It means nodding at the right time.  All the little social queues I used to pay attention to need to become a priority again.  This is going to be difficult, but I’ve already made progress and will continue to do so.

#3- Know when to speak

This means not overpowering people when they are speaking and not replying with ‘Oh yeah, you think that’s bad?  Well let me tell you about…’.  Don’t one up people.  Listen to their story and add something constructive when they are done speaking.

#4- Be Prepared

If I want to have conversations I have to know about things.  If people are discussing politics and I don’t know about the candidates for governor I can’t participate in the conversation.  However, if I have read up on the right topics then its easier to interject things in the conversation.

#5- Stay on Topic

This is also an area where I need serious work.  My mind jumps around constantly.  When I’m talking to someone I usually say a sentence or two about a topic, and then its off to the next topic.

Staying on topic means listening to something someone says, then replying with something relevant.  It means explaining something until the person I am conversing with understands what I am talking about.  Let me give you an example of the problem.

Me: “As far as gamers go, we’re elitist bastards.”

Her: “Elitist bastards?”

Me: On to another topic…

What I should have done was reply about my previous statement.  I should have explained about gamers and about why I consider my friends and I to be elite.  Instead I moved on to something else, probably leaving my poor girlfriend confused about what I was saying.

I don’t do this all the time, thank god, but I do it entirely too often.  So I need to learn to stay focused on a given topic.  I did this the other night when hanging with Jeff.  We discussed Faelands for a while, and had a great discussion.  It was so good because we kept on topic.  It ended when I meandered onto something irrelevant.

Confidence

I’ve long understood the value of confidence.  If you are confident people respect you.  Women find you more attractive.  For the first two decades of my life I had confidence in spades.  I was beyond confident.  I was an arrogant bastard.

I was damn good at everything I did.  I dominated chess tournaments, Magic the Gathering tournaments and kicked the crap out of people at video games like Starcraft or Unreal.  I excelled in school, regularly pulling the highest grade in the class.  I easily understood everything, and it contributed to that arrogance.

Then I hit my early 20s.  Life threw curve ball after curve ball at me.  I gained weight.  My marriage disintegrated.  Things I had taken for granted and accepted to be true turned out to be pretty lies.  This destroyed my confidence, which continued to erode year after year.

When I went down to Los Angeles I began to excel again.  I became a bigshot at work.  I started making a ton of money.  Some measure of confidence returned.  I began dating and found I was very successful with women, largely because of that confidence.

Then I moved back to Santa Rosa and lost it all.  I no longer had a high paying job, and I have to admit that affected my self esteem.  I was out of shape, weighing in at about 240.  I didn’t have a ton of friends and I wasn’t dating.  All of this took its toll.

My confidence is tied up in my self worth.  If I am doing well, I gain more confidence.  If my place in life is shaky, or if I have no sense of direction then I also lack confidence.

So it stands to reason that if I do well at life I gain confidence.  I know from past experience that this is the case.  Success begets more success, which breeds a corresponding amount of confidence.  It happened during my mid 20s when I got the job at Nokia.  I became an engineer, lost a bunch of weight and felt like a million bucks. 

The same thing is happening now.  I’ve written 2,000 words a day for over a year and a half.  As a result my writing has improved immeasurably.  This taste of success bred more confidence and inspired me to start losing weight. 

I’ve worked out almost every day for eight months, which bred more confidence.  I’m stronger, look better and I know it.  This has inspired me to redouble my weight loss efforts.  I know it won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

The promotion I got back in December helped a ton.  It’s inspired me to apply for an even higher paying job at the Credit Union (I have an interview tomorrow).  More importantly its made me ask myself what else I can do to make more money.  This has led to me wanting to become an iOS developer.

It gave me the confidence to try.  I’m well on my way to living the developer dream, and if I succeed it provide even more confidence.

In recent days I’ve been increasingly aware of my social interactions.  It’s gotten easier to maintain eye contact, and I’m doing better at conversations.  Again, this isn’t an overnight thing, but increased confidence is making it more and more comfortable to interact with people again.

If I can keep the momentum going my confidence will increase.  If I visualize having more confidence, I WILL.  So there you go.  That’s my MCCC plan.  I know there will be fits and starts along the way, but as long as I continue to improve I will be heading in the right direction.