Revenge of the Gamer

Life is fleeting.  I was reminded of this yesterday while taking out the trash.  I heard a strange buzzing and glanced up to see a dragonfly struggling futilely.  He’d been caught in an enormous spiderweb strung between an apple tree and the neighbor’s house.
As a I watched a large spider scuttled down the web and perched on the dragonfly’s back.  The dragonfly beat it’s wings franctically, but to no avail.  In moments it was wrapped in thick, sticky webbing.  There was no escape. 

The moment was both surreal and horrifying.  I stood mesmerized, unable to look away as the spider claimed its prey.  It affected me deeply and I replayed the scene over and over in my head for the rest of the day.

Life is fleeting.  It can end at any time and no amount of planning or preparation can change that.   We can die in a car accident, of heart failure or in countless other ways. 

That got me thinking about a quote I’d recently heard at Toastmasters.  It is not the years in your life that matter.  It is the life in your years.

Putting the two together triggered what we buddhists call a samadhi.  It’s an Indian word that translates roughly as ‘Aha!’.  It is a moment of profound spiritual discovery that helps us understand ourselves and our place in the world.

The uncertainty of my own mortality prompted a very interesting realization.  If I can die at any time then every moment is precious.  Each moment could be my last, so I should treat it as if that’s exactly what it is.

What does this mean from a practical standpoint?  How does one live every moment of their life as if it were there last?  These are not easy questions and I spent the better part of yesterday struggling for answers.

The first thing I realized is that we must not wait for happiness.  If something is making us miserable we need to change it.  It might be a job we hate, a bad relationship or simply being overweight.  Regardless, we owe it to ourselves to change it right now. 

Each moment you spend miserable is a moment you will never get back.  It is a moment that has taken you closer to death.  It is a part of your journey that you have wasted.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I don’t believe we should dwell on the past or beat ourselves up for having gotten ourselves into a bad situation.  We can’t control the past, so there is no sense punishing ourselves for past decisions.

What we can do is resolve to change our future.  To do that we first need to understand what it is we are looking for.  What is it that we don’t currently have that will increase our happiness?

To answer this question I looked to the Eight-Fold Path, one of the cornerstones of Zen Buddhism.  The first part is right view, which simply means seeing the world as it is rather than how we wish it to be.  In understanding my own mortality that was exactly what I was attempting to do. 

The second tenet is right intention.  It means do the right things for the right reasons.  What is right?  Each person must decide for themselves.  It is a commitment to moral and ethical improvement. 

How well was I doing here?  I’d like to think I’m a good person, but no one is perfect.  Where could I improve?  I realize something profoud.  My speechs to Toastmasters have taught a handful of people how badly we as a society are being taken advantage of by our leaders.  Many thanked me and several said I need to get the word out to more people.

I realized they’re right.  I have a responsibility to share that knowledge.  It is the right thing to do.  I need to teach others what’s wrong with our government and how we might fix it.  I can help them to help themselves.  So I’ve decided to put more focus in that area.  More on that in future blog posts.

The next part of the path is right speech.  It teaches that we should avoid lying, avoid swearing and try not to say harmful things to others.  So how did I measure up here?

The lying part isn’t much of an issue, but I swear far more than I should.  I’ve decided to try to clean up my speech, though I know it won’t be easy.  This is doubly important if I want to have a child someday. 

The other part of right speech is not saying harmful things to others.  I’m generally a pretty nice guy, but I did find an area I could improve.  When I get together with the guys we tend to rib on each other.  This is done in jest, but I realize that some of what I say probably hurts other’s feelings.  It’s not funny and I shouldn’t do it.

The next part of the path is right action.  It says we should avoid stealing or harming others.  I feel like I’ve done very well in this area.  When I was younger I was a major klepto.  I stole thousands of dollars worth of merchandise from a variety of stores.

Today I realize how wrong that was, and I would never dream of stealing.  I also avoid harming others and in fact do what I can to help.  In joining BNI I’ve really taken the Giver’s Gain philosophy to heart.  If I help others it will come back to help me.  Call it karma or reciprosity or whatever you want.  It works.

The next part is right living.  This is the big one, at least for me.  I used to think that right living just meant having a job that allowed you to sleep at night.  This tenet was the reason I left the mortgage industry, because I quite literally couldn’t sleep because of the harm I was doing.

Through reflection I’ve come to a deeper understanding.  Killing bunnies (or people), selling bad mortgages and beating people for a living are obviously bad choices for your spiritual harmony.  I understand that part.  What I didn’t get was that you should be passionate about what you do.

Right living isn’t just avoiding things you hate.  It’s about doing things you love.  If you were wealthy what would you do for a living?  For me the answer is developing software and writing fiction.  I love doing both.  I need to pursue my passions.

The good news is that’s exactly what I’m doing.   I’ve Started Sly Fox Applications and will be debuting my Shattered Gods roleplaying game at Dundracon in February. I’ve found what I’m passionate about, but I still have one more step to take.

I need to quit my day job and make software development and writing my primary occupation.  I’ve begun working on a roadmap to get there and I think once I do so I’ll be much happier.  I owe it to myself to do what I love for a living.

The next part of the path is right effort.  This is by far the hardest, because it takes the most work.  In a nutshell it says when you know something is bad for you stop doing it.  If you know something is healthy start doing it.

I’m fat because I eat too much fast food.  Right living gives a very simple answer.   Stop eating fast food.  That’s easier said than done.  It means breaking long ingrained habits, but I know I have to do this.  So I’ve resolved to start eating healthier.

This is very similar to when I resolved to start working out.  The good news is that habit stuck and I have been working out six days a week for nearly two years.  If I can find the willpower to do something similar with my diet I’ll look and feel better.  It’s the healthy thing to do.  It’s the right thing to do.   Now I just need to do it.

The seventh aspect of the eight-fold path is right mindfulness.  This simply means being aware of your actions and biases.  If you see a latino or a pregnant teenager does your mind immediately begin forming preconceptions?  Right mindfulness teaches you to watch this sort of behavior and try to eliminate it. 

I’ve lived in five states.  I’ve been poor and I’ve been wealthy.  This has taught me empathy for others and I strive to see from their point of view as often as possible.  Still, there is always room for improvement.  This is something I should be mindful of.

The last aspect is right concentration, also called meditation.  For many years I meditated daily.  Not surprisingly I was the most grounded and focused during that time.  I have since let my practice atrophy, and one of the things I can do to immediately improve my life is picking it up again.

It’s hard, but it’s worth it.  Meditation is work, just like working out or tending to your diet.  It has tangible benefits which increase the longer you do it.  In addition to starting a diet I need to begin meditating again.  Soon.

A wise friend once told me that there are three pillars to human well being.  Mental, physical and spiritual.  I have been tending to the mental, but both the physical and spiritual need improvement.   I can benefit greatly from doing so.

Well, that brings us full circle.  I spent a lot of time this weekend contemplating life.  I’ve come up with some good ideas.  Now I just need to follow through with them, because tomorrow may be too late.

Life is fleeting.  I need to treasure each moment.  That means making continuous improvements to my life, which I know I am capable of.  I’ve made an excellent beginning over the last couple of years, but I need to do more.  I cannot allow myself to become complacent or stagnant, because life is a journey.  Time never stops moving.

How ironic that I needed a dragonfly and a spider to teach me that.