Revenge of the Gamer

A year ago I was in a very dark place.   I had sunk into a deep depression, and was closing myself off from the world an inch at a time.  I stopped going out, stopped seeing friends and nearly stopped talking entirely. 

I was filled with bitterness.  Bitterness at the state of the world, bitterness at the mess I’d wrought in my own life.  Bitterness about the things I’d endured in my twenties, losing my job and my marriage.  I was in spiritual and mental agony, and like any animal in pain I lashed out at the world around me.

I looked at the world and said to myself, what’s the point?  What is the benefit of being alive?  Life seemed like an exercise in futility.  Long moments of pain, humiliation and mediocrity broken by all too brief instants of laughter or joy.  In short, the color had gone out of my life.

Part of the problem was that I’d quit smoking marijuana.  It’s sudden absence was like ripping a Band-Aid off a still bleeding wound.  It exposed my problems, my inadequacies and just how far I’d allow my life to deteriorate.  I’d been using it to medicate myself and enforce a constant numbness that made reality bearable.  Unfortunately the cure had become part of the problem.  I was lost and had no idea how or what to make of my problems.

A year later I have the words to articulate what I endured.  It was my mid-life crisis.  When I was younger I’d always wondered what a mid-life crisis was.  It seemed so odd that someone would wrestle with their identity in their mid 30s.  I mean, shouldn’t you know who you are by then?

Now I understand the dilemma much more acutely.  A mid-life crisis isn’t an issue of identity, or it wasn’t in my case anyway.  No, the crisis was about purpose.  What did I want to do with my life?  Where did I want to be in five years, or ten?  What path would make me happiest?

These are difficult questions to answer during the best of times, but they are far worse when you feel as if your world is crashing down around you.  When you question the point of living, and can’t imagine tomorrow being better than today.

Part of the reason I felt this way was because I hadn’t really accomplished anything since moving home from Los Angeles in 2007.  I was making a third of my previous income while working a dead end job with no future.  I was single and too bitter to even consider dating.  I was overweight.  I’d become shy and quiet, and my social anxiety had gotten far worse than it had ever been.  I didn’t even enjoy video games anymore.

Even worse, I’d spent the last couple of years studying every aspect of both the economy and banking.  I knew just how badly the average citizen was getting screwed, and also that it wasn’t going to stop.  Ever.  The standard of living for Americans had just fallen off a cliff and there was no end in sight.

So what turned it all around for me?  A quote from the Stephen King movie The Shawshank Redemption, “Get busy living or get busy dying.”

Yes, the world is a grim place and the American standard of living was about to drop.  Yes, I was overweight.  Yes, I had a dead end job with no room for growth.  It was also true that I’d become a social introvert.  But I realized something profound.

I didn’t have to be any of these things.  I could make changes in my life.  Real lasting changes.  So I asked myself, where do you want to be?  If I could reshape my life overnight and become the person I dreamed of being who would I be?

I thought back to my teenage years when the world was pregnant with possibilities.  I remembered that I’d always wanted to be a famous author, but had long since given up the dream.  Somewhere along the way I’d convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough and never would be.  Even though I’d spent nearly a year writing every day I didn’t honestly believe that I’d ever make it as a writer.

I reflected over my professional life and tried to remember when I’d been the most happy.  Out of all the jobs I’d ever had I loved programming the most.  Loved it.  Yet I’d given up when I lost my job with Nokia.  Instead of finding another programming position I’d taken a temp job in the mortgage industry.  It was true that I’d never made as much money as I did working mortgage, but I didn’t have the passion for it that I did for programming.

I considered that I was barely making enough money to live, and that over the next several years the cost of gas, food and other necessities were going to rise sharply.  If I was able to survive on my current salary it would be a very near thing, and I wouldn’t have any money left over for anything else.

I confronted my diminished mental capacity, realizing that I just didn’t feel as intelligent as I once had.  I stared down at my gut, hating the shape of my body and knowing it was destroying my self-esteem.

I also realized that I was extremely lonely.  I longed for a mate, but I had such serious trust issues that I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to trust a woman again.  Worse, I’d stopped hanging out with many of my friends because communication had become difficult and awkward.

Accepting my current state of affairs was extremely difficult, but over a period of months I finally did it.  I faced a mountain of very serious problems with no obvious solutions.  So what could I do?  What I did best.  Solve seemingly insurmountable problems.

First I looked at the problems that had some commonalities.  Most stemmed from working a dead end job and needing more income.  If I wanted to fix those issues I needed a better job, or I needed a side job to increase my income.

I started applying for other jobs in the credit union.  The first was in mortgage lending, and while I didn’t get it at least I tried.  The most recent attempt was for a position in the IT department, and I’m still waiting to hear back.  We’ll see how it goes.

However, just applying for other jobs wasn’t enough.  I figured if I missed programming so much, why not start doing that again?  I didn’t need an employer to start programming.  I could work on my own pet projects as a way of increasing my skills.

I invested in the hardware and software necessary to create iPhone applications, and started working on my first one.  As of this writing I haven’t published my first app yet, but I’m very close to doing so.  I’ve also rediscovered my love of programming and am more sure than ever that this is what I was meant to do for a living.

My next problem was my weight.  I was tired of being fat, so I started working out every day.  No exceptions.  Thirteen months later I’ve lost weight and become far, far stronger.  As with the programming I have yet to reach my goal, but the progress I’ve made is inspiring.  I was benching 60lbs when I started.  Now I am doing 220.  Give me another six months and who knows where I’ll be.

My writing has also continued to improve, and as of this post I’m about to celebrate my 2nd anniversary since I began belting out 2000 words a day.  I have a long way to go, but every day brings me closer to realizing my dream.  What’s more, I’ve discovered a way to combine this dream with several others.

You see one of the things that was so discouraging about writing is that it is nearly impossible to find someone to publish your novel.  Your book needs to be damn impressive, and even then you need to find an agent or publisher willing to take a look at it.  Self-publishing is a possibility, but the costs are prohibitive and very few people will take a self-published book seriously. 

Neither solution was realistic, which was why I had such a hard time envisioning myself as a successful novelist.  Then it him m.   I had discovered a way to beat the system.  I could self-publish my own fiction, and do it in such a way that thousands of gamers would have access to it. 

The application I’m writing for both iPad and iPhone is for people who play games like Dungeons & Dragons.  The main thrust of the app allows them to buy adventures and sourcebooks for a role-playing game I’ve been tinkering with since I was eighteen.

What if I used the application to sell fiction?  If people buy the Shattered Gods role-playing game at least some would be interested in novels set in the same world.  I could release those novels as eBooks for Kindle, Nook and iBooks, and also sell them from directly within my application.

I realized that pulling something like this off would take a Herculean amount of effort, but you know what?  That was the point.  I didn’t need to make this happen tomorrow, or even next year.  The fact that I had dreams again and was working towards them was the truly important thing.

Every day since I’ve woken up and gone to the gym, slowly improving my physique.  When I get home I work on my iPad application until  I have to leave for work.  I come home at lunch to get more programming done, and do some in the evening as well.

I’m blown away at what I’ve accomplished in the six months since.  Shattered Gods is coming along great and I should have it available for eBook format by the end of 2011.  EGEAK (the app) will be done by my birthday.  I’ve been using both to run a campaign for my friends for over a month now, and things are going amazingly well.

Those aren’t the only goals I’ve tackled either.  In addition to working out, writing and programming I’ve also started dating again.  I had the amazing good luck to meet a wonderful woman named Amelia, and we’ve been together for just over a year.  She has restored my faith in women, and taught me to let go of all the walls I spent so many years building.

This spiritual and mental healing has transformed me.  I feel whole for the first time since my divorce, and I cannot even begin to describe how wonderful that feels.  I’ve let all the anger, resentment and bitterness drain away. 

More recently I’ve tackled the communication issue as well.  I got so tired of feeling timid and like I couldn’t relate my point to others that I began to take action.  My first step was reading several self-help books, each of which was enormously helpful.  However, while they taught the principles I still needed to put them into action.

So I joined an organization called Toastmasters.  The thrust of Toastmasters is to help it’s members become better public speakers, to increase their confidence and to teach them to be leaders.  I’ve been a member since October, and last week I won first prize my second speech.  I’ve already begun to feel more confident and am learning to be a far better communicator.

The combination of all these factors is changing me in fundamental and wonderful ways.  For the first time in a decade I have a clear idea of what I want to do with my life.  I am actively pursuing my dreams with a tenacity and discipline I never would have believed myself capable of.

Instead of meandering about wishing for things to be better I’ve taken an active role in securing my future.   It’s been a year and I cannot believe how much more confident I am.  I can’t wait to see where I am in another year.

I am going to publish my application.  I am going to become a novelist.  I am going to make my living programming.  I am going to get married and start a family.  I am going to lose even more weight and get into the best shape of my life.

My dreams are within my grasp.   All I have to do is reach out and take them.

First, please accept my apologies for the long silence.  I realize my entries have been sporadic of late, but with good reason.  I’ve been pouring my heart into several very important projects, one of which I’ll spend the bulk of this post talking about.

Back in August of 2010 I began my first iPhone application.  The experience was both terrifying and exhilerating, because I’d never worked on a Mac, never programmed for the iPhone and hadn’t worked on any code in several years.

I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to master such cutting edge technology, and that if I failed the thousands of dollars I’d invested would be wasted.  I took a big gamble in purchasing all the hardware and software needed to become an iOS developer, and I knew that there was a very real chance of failure.

That worry was so powerful that I attacked the project with more zeal than anything I’ve ever put my mind to.  Each morning when I came back from the gym I spent an hour programming.  I came home at lunch and put in another 45 minutes, then added 1-2 hours in the evening. 

For months I spent nearly all of my free time pouring through books and tinkering with the Xcode framework.  I built dozens of smaller projects from a simple GPS to a fun little app that allowed you to create super heroes.

By September  I began work on my first commercial application, something I call E.G.E.A.K.  It’s an anacronym for Evil GM’s Easy Adventure Kit, and it helps Gamemasters run Dungeons & Dragons games.

The project was ambitious in scope.  I envisioned a dice roller, a library of characters, an experience point tracker, a timeline, an atlas, a spell database and a whole host of other features that would simplify a GM’s job. 

I knew this was a huge undertaking, but I firmly believed that if I could bring my vision to life gamers everywhere would buy it.  Six months later I am more convinced than ever.

Why?  Because the alpha version of E.G.E.A.K is nearly complete.  It has a dice roller.  It has a library of characters, complete with pictures.  It has those things and much, much more. 

Every gamer who has seen E.G.E.A.K has been awestruck, both because I’ve written an app for the iPad and because they see the potential of what it will allow gamers to do.  I can unabashedly say that this application will forever change pen & paper gaming. 

I understand that’s a bold claim, but I stick by it.  I know, because I’ve just started running a new campaign and I’m running it with E.G.E.A.K.  I’ve witnessed first hand just how simple it makes running a game, and every time I add another feature the app gets even better.

I have never been so proud in my life, not even when I finished my first novel.  This app will form the cornerstone of my business, and from there I plan to continue expanding it in new and exciting ways.  By the time I am done gamers from Hong Kong to Sydney to London to New York will be able to play together in the same campaigns.

So just what does E.G.E.A.K. do that’s so revolutionary?  Stay tuned, because in my next entry I plan to show you exactly what it’s capable of.

Last year I published my 2009 A Year in Review on Revenge of the Gamer, and this year I’m continuing the tradition.  It’s something I’ve done in one form or another since I was fourteen, and I’ve found it a very handy benchmarking tool.  These articles help me make all sorts of little course corrections as I meander through life.

Last year I had many ambitious goals.  Some were spectacular failures, others stunning successes.  Without further ado here’s my scorecard for 2010:

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Goal #1- Lose 50 pounds

Score: 3/10

I’ve wrestled with my weight for fifteen years, ever since I became an adult.  It’s a frustrating never ending battle, and unfortunately this year the weight won.  As of this writing I’m 234 pounds.  That’s a paltry three pounds lighter than I was 12 months ago, so unfortunately this goal was a huge failure.

My low point weight wise this year was 223lbs, but that was all the way back in August.  Since then my diet has deteriorated and I put back on a full 11 pounds.  You know what?  That’s ok.  When you see the next goal you’ll understand why…

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Goal #2- Get in Good Enough Shape to Go Rock Climbing

Score: 10/10

Goal #2 went hand in hand with goal #1.  I wanted to lose weight, but being skinny wasn’t my only goal.  I wanted to get myself into amazing shape.  I utterly failed on the weight loss part of things, but getting in shape?  That’s been a resounding success. 

I’ve worked out nearly every day for the past twelve months.  When I started out I was going to the gym for 20 minutes a day and only doing cardio.  Now I go for an hour, and I do it six days a week.  I spend 30 minutes doing cardio, 30 doing weights.  When I first started I was benching an embarassing 60 pounds.  As of this writing I’m benching 190.

For the first time ever I can see muscles when I look in the mirror.  Granted the definition is only in my shoulders, but the fact that I can see it at all is huge.  It’s proof that if I keep working out I will eventually have a well defined chest, arms, back and legs.

I’ve also dropped 2 pant sizes this year, so I know that while my physical weight hasn’t changed I’ve at least converted a lot of fat into muscle.  There’s a lot more to it than that though.  I feel like a different person.  I can quite literally climb mountains without getting winded.  I can carry TVs, bundles of firewood and an infinite load of groceries without breaking a sweat.

I’m in better shape than I’ve ever been, even when I ran varsity track in high school.  The best part?  This is only the beginning.  I go to the gym every morning at 6:15am.  No exceptions.  The longer I keep that habit the stronger I get.

Two weeks ago I joined a new gym.  Up until then I’d been going to Stan Bennett’s, which was full of broken equipment, people who didn’t speak English, and it was in an unsafe neighborhood.  So unsafe that someone shattered my car window, which was the final straw and the ultimate reason I moved to 24 Hour Fitness.

The difference is amazing.  All the equipment not only works, but it’s state of the art.  The elliptical machines have little TVs mounted on the top, which allow me to connect my iPhone to watch movies.  The weight machines are ergonomically designed, so there is no impact on my joints.

I’m getting a far, far better workout at 24 Hour and I’m really excited to see where it takes me in 2011.  If I see similar progress to 2010 I won’t even recognize myself by my 35th birthday!

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Goal #3- Get back into paintball

Score: 0/10

One of the reasons I so badly wanted to get into shape was so that I could get back into paintball.  I loved the game when I lived in Los Angeles, and honestly I miss playing.  Yet I did nothing this year to get back into it.  On the one hand I’m a little disappointed, but on the other I’m very happy with the reason why I didn’t get back into it.  Time.

This past year I took on a lot of ambitious goals, with the end result that my schedule was more busy than it’s been in years.  I simply didn’t make the time to go play paintball, because I was out climbing mountains.  I went to Sugarloaf Mountain over a dozen times, Armstrong Woods probably two dozen or more.  I went to Yosemite, Lake Tahoe, Jack London State Park, Drive Thru Tree and Muir Woods. 

I discovered a profound love of nature, and honestly it was just more fun to go hiking every weekend than it was to do paintball.  It was cheaper too!  More on hiking under the Unexpected Achievement section…

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Goal #4- Finish and submit The Bond of Jhordil

Score: 7/10

I neither finished nor submitted The Bond of Jhordil this year.  So why did I give myself a 7 out of 10?  A few reasons.  First, because I belted out several hundred pages of fiction this year.  I also spent a great deal of time fleshing out the world used for the novel, which is an important part of bringing the novel to life.  More on that under the UA section.

I’m not upset at myself for not finishing or submitting the novel, because quite frankly I’m not good enough to be published yet.  There are many things I still need to master, such as tension, plotting and description. 

While I didn’t actually publish the novel, I did learn quite a bit about writing.  I devoured several more books on the craft, and the fiction I wrote practiced those principles.  I’ve learned to spot tension in movies, books and TV shows.  Adding it to my own work is still challenging, but at least I know what was missing.

I need a great deal of practice to go from good to great, practice that realistically will take two to three years.  But that’s ok.  I’ve been working on my writing pretty much every day for two years now.  What’s another two?  If it gets me to the level of a master writer then it’s time well spent.

Page by page, word by word I will become a published novelist.

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Goal #5- Write & submit 12 short stories

Score: 5/10

I wrote and submitted two short stories.  Both were accepted.  It’s not nearly what I’d hoped for, but that’s largely because I spent so much time learning to write.    That’s ok.  It’s going to take me time and I have no problem with that. 

In 2011 I don’t plan on writing any short stories, though it’s possible I might if an idea strikes.  I chose to focus in other areas, and I don’t regret it.

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Goal #6- Learn to use my expensive new camera

Score: 8/10

Last January I bought myself a Canon Digital Rebel.  Since then I’ve added a telephoto lens and a tripod to the mix.  All told it cost me nearly a thousand dollars.  So was it worth it?  Hell yes!

I’ve taken over four thousand pictures this year.  From Yosemite to Tahoe my camera has proven it’s worth time after time.  I even became the department photographer at work, and used my camera to shoot about 700 pictures which we used to make a short five minute comic book movie.

I love the camera.  I use it all the time.  Most recently I photographed every side of a set of dice, which I then used in my iPad application.  The camera has helped me both professionally and personally, and if there was one thing I bought in 2010 that I am most happy with the camera is definitely it.

So why only an 8 out of 10?  Because the camera can do far more than I’ve used it for.  There are many features on it that I haven’t explored, and I really should learn what they can do.  I haven’t spent much time with the manual, nor have I taken the class down at Shutterbug I keep wanting to.

That’s ok though.  In 2011 I’ll take even more pictures and I’ll learn to push my camera’s capabilities!

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Goal #7- Visit Yosemite

Score: 10/10

In July of this year my girlfriend Amelia gave me a trip to Yosemite for my birthday.  We spent four days exploring vernal falls, glacier peak and the valley floor.  The entire place was surreal, harkening back to a primeval time before the world was clogged with billions of humans.

Seeing Yosemite awakened something dormant in me.  It catalized a connection with nature, and while I was there I vowed to see more national parks.  I realized that I want to explore this great nation, seeing each of the natural wonders it has to offer.

Yosemite was absolutely breathtaking, and I can’t wait to make it back there!

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Goal #8- Find a Gamer Chica Who Makes My Heart Sing

Score: 10/10

In January of 2010 a pretty brunette in the accounting department at work asked me out for a beer.  It was the second time she’d made the offer, but I was nervous about taking her up on it.  I worried that dating someone at work was a recipe for disaster, and that if it went south I’d regret the relationship.

When she asked me the second time I said to hell with caution.  Life is about taking risks right?  Amelia and I went out for that beer.  We went on three more ‘faux dates’ as friends.  No kissing, nothing romantic.

Those faux dates went well, so I sent her a dozen roses with a card asking her on a real date.  We went to a movie and out to eat at a very nice restaurant called Stark’s Steakhouse.  At the end of that date we kissed for the first time, and it was amazing.

Fast forward eleven months.  Amelia and I are all but inseperable.  I have fallen deeply and fully in love.  For the first time in years I’ve let my guard down, and you know what?  It feels great.

Amelia is everything I was hoping for.  She’s kind, sweet, practical and a bit of a tomboy.  She plays video games, understands what roleplaying is (though she’s never played) and shares my values.  I trust her implicitly, which is a HUGE step for me.

We have differences of course.  She’s a very devout Lutheran, who attends church every Sunday and sings in her church praise band.  But details like that are trivial.  We see eye to eye on the issues that count.

I’ve also gotten to know her family, and much to my surprise have become friends with them.  They are all good people, with family traditions that harken back to my childhood.  The Knowles are good people, and I feel priviliged to have spent so much time with them this year.

So you can see why I consider this goal to be such a success.  I’ve been pretty unlucky in love for a while now, and it’s nice to finally be with someone who really makes my heart sing.

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Goal #9- Add $200 a month to my savings

Score: 0/10

For the first time in a few years I have substantial credit card debt.  I did the opposite of saving. I spent like a fiend in 2010.  Some of it was just bad luck, like the $500 deductible for a fender bender I was in.  Some of it was splurging, like the camper shell for Kermit (my new truck).

Some of it was buying the hardware, software and books I needed to become an iOS developer.  Regardless, the fact remains that I am up to my eyeballs in debt.  I utterly failed at this goal, which sucks.  I regret some of the purchases I made this year, but I can’t change the past.

I can only do my best to be more frugal and to increase my income in 2011!

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Goal #10- Pay my car under $3000

Score: 0/10

Far from paying my car down I actually added to the debt.  I traded in the Elantra for a 2010 Toyota Tacoma, which added $150 to my monthly car payment.  But you know what?  Despite the enormous expense I love Kermit.  Driving a truck is amazing after having been in a car so long.

I can sleep in the back when I go camping.  I can haul a huge amount of cargo, which came in handy when I went to  Yosemite and Lake Tahoe.  The truck drives like a dream and I’m really happy with it.  So despite now being nearly $30,000 in debt I’m happy with the decision.

It meant breaking my own cardinal rule regarding debt though, so when I do my goals for 2011 expect debt reduction to be goal #1!

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Goal #11- Be Nicer To Myself

Score: 9/10

I am the worst kind of perfectionist and I know it.  When someone else accomplishes something I’m quick to praise them, and encourage them to continue their hard work.  However, when I accomplish something it’s a completely different story.

My natural inclination is to find fault with whatever I do.  When I wrote my first novel I wasn’t elated that I’d written a frigging novel.  I was annoyed that the novel wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be.  Crazy right?

This year I decided to buck that trend.  I vowed to take a big step back and examine my accomplishments with an uncritical eye.  I wanted to look objectively at them, to take pride in them the way a normal person would.

I worked out nearly every day this year.  Instead of saying to myself that I could be in better shape, I’m proud of what I accomplished.  I’ve spent the last five months working feverishly on programming my iPad application.  Instead of dogging myself for not finishing it, I’m proud of how far along the app has come.

It’s meant adopting a completely different mindset, but I’m happy to have done so.  I’m still more critical of myself and my accomplishments than I should be, but I’ve made progress this year.  I have been nicer to myself, and hopefully 2011 will continue that trend.

That brings us to the end of 2010′s goals.  Now on to the unexpected achievements I enjoyed this year!

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Unexpected Achievement #1- Love of Nature

In January I decided I wanted to get in shape.  At first I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that.  The gym was an obvious choice, but I didn’t feel like I was doing enough there.  I knew that I needed something else, something that would hold my interest more than running on an elliptical machine.

I also realized that I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world.  A place that I’d never really bothered to explore, because I was always too busy getting high and playing video games.  So in January I began exploring the natural beauty of northern California.

In the first few weeks I fell in love with Armstrong Woods.  I went twice a week, hiking for hours as the rain tapped a gentle staccato on the surrounding redwoods.  The low roll of the thunder over the valley was otherworldly, and even now I struggle to find the words to describe it.

In going to Armstrong I finally understood what John Muir once taught.  Nature revitalizes the soul.  We do not realize what we are lacking until we are surrounded by the natural beauty of the wilderness.  Then and only then do we understand that this connection must be renewed periodically, or we wither spiritually for lack of it.

Over the next several months I spent time exploring the rocky northern California coast.  I climbed through the saltstone formations at Salt Point.  I stood beneath the towering behemoth called Goat Rock.  I hiked for hours and hours along sandy beaches and rocky cliffs.

I wiled away entire days in the dense redwood forests of Jack London State Park.  I crossed streams and climbed mountains at Sugarloaf Mountain park.   Amelia and I explored Yosemite valley, Lake Tahoe and Muir woods together.

With each new place I explored a desire grew to see more of the natural wilds.  I’d discovered a longing for nature I never knew existed in me.  I want to see Crater Lake, the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore and the Alaskan wilderness. 

This newfound love was completely unexpected, but has helped me undergo a spiritual rejuvenation.  It’s a process I am damned sure I want to continue.

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Unexpected Achievement #2- iOS Programming

In my 2009 Year in Review I mentioned that I’d discovered the missing purpose in my life.  I am an achiever.  If I don’t have goals then I stagnate and become complacent, which makes me miserable.  At the end of 2009 I knew that such stagnation was very, very dangerous for me so I resolved to accomplish some lofty goals.

In the first half of the year this manifested through working out and writing.  Both are very fulfilling and something that I stuck to with dogged determination.  Yet neither was scratching that itch.  I wanted to be successful, and neither activity would help that in the short term.

Then my friend Aaron brought over his iPad when we were gaming.  After playing with it for about five minutes I realized that tablet technology will replace PCs in the next five years.  It’s not an if.  It’s a when.  Along with the new technology would come a goldmine of new applications.

I remembered something similar when the web first caught on back in the late 90s.  I decided right then and there that I was going to do everything in my power to cash in on the tablet revolution.  So I dropped about $3000 in hardware and software.

I bought a Macbook, an iPad, a developer membership and a whole bunch of books to teach me to program for iOS using a language called Objective C.  At the time I knew this was a huge gamble.  What if I lost interest?  What if programming was too hard and I couldn’t learn?  I’d be out thousands of dollars and would have nothing to show for it.

I took a good look at my doubts and fears, and I remembered a previous resolution.  I was tired of being afraid.  I was tired of not taking risks, of being Mr. Conservative.  So I plunged headfirst into something completely new, something I knew literally nothing about.

Five months later I have mastered the basics of Objective C.  I have written over two dozen test applications, and am nearing the beta phase of my first commerical app.  I have created a GPS.  I have written a web browser for the iPad.  I have created a dice rolling application.

In short- I’ve become an iPhone programmer, and now I’m going to use that knowledge to change the face of pen and paper gaming forever.  I have the ideas, I have the talent and now I have the knowledge to accomplish my goals.

It’s taken an unbelievably large amount of hard work.  I spend two hours or more every day coding.  I’ve spent countless frustrating afternoons, lunches and mornings tackling extremely difficult problems.  I’ve had to learn the OS X operating system, which I’d never used before.  But you know what?  I overcame each and every challenge, and with each one I’ve become a stronger programmer.

I’ve chased this dream with dogged persistence, moreso than I ever would have thought I was capable of.  My gamble hasn’t paid off financially yet, but it has paid off in other ways.  I am brimming with confidence, because I’m doing something no one else I know can.  I’m learning to create software on a brand new platform.

Every time I show EGEAK (my app) to one of my friends their jaws drop and they look at me like I’ve grown a third eye.  They can’t believe I’ve actually created software for the iPad, much less that I plan to sell that software and make good money doing it.

Programming is by far and away the most pivotal unexpected achievement of 2010.  It’s shown me what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I want to be a software engineer.  I want to publish amazing websites, and applications on PC, Mac, iPad, Android and whatever other platform will make me money.

There will be challenges along the way.  The path will not be easy.  But all I have to do is stay focused and keep working and I will achieve my dream.  I was always meant to be a programmer.  I missed the boat there more than once in my life.

Not this time.  This time I follow my dreams wherever they might lead.

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Unexpected Achievement #3- Toastmasters

Those who’ve followed my blog for a while know that I became a bit of a recluse over the last few years.  My social skills atrophied and I retreated inward.  It wasn’t until this year that I took active steps to reverse that process, and I’m pleased to say that I’ve made tremendous strides this year.

I’ve forced myself to enter social situations I’d normally avoid.  Chief among these was Toastmasters.  For those who don’t know Toastmasters has nothing to do with toast.  It’s actually a group that focuses on leadership and public speaking skills.

Members give and evaluate speeches each week, learning from their peers as they do.  I decided to join Toastmasters in an attempt to improve my public speaking skills.  I figured it would be very, very useful when selling my software and eventually gaming books or fiction.

So in October I started attending Toastmasters, and am pleased to report the group is a resounding success.  I’ve already given several speeches and the more time I spend in the group the more I am learning about the nuances of public speaking.  I firmly believe that in another year I’ll be able to walk onstage in front of thousands without missing a beat.

I’ve also read several books on the subject of public speaking, and am working diligently to improve my skills in this arena.  Hopefully the next twelve months will deliver the improvement I’m hoping to achieve!

 

Most people fail at monumental tasks because the sheer size of the project is just too daunting.  They put off starting things, because it seems like the project is too large for them to ever finish.  Their minds recoil, fleeing for the safety of every day routines.

Take writing a novel for example.  The average novel is a hundred thousands words, but those hundred thousand words are the finished product.  A writer discards five or six words for every one he keeps, much as a sculpter trims away marble to expose the sculpture underneath.

In order to complete a novel you’ll have to belt out a half million words or more.  Think about that for a moment.  If you write a thousand words a day it could take two years to finish your novel.  Facing that mountain of work is enough to discourage just about anyone, which is why only about one out of every hundred aspiring writers finishes a novel.

This analogy holds true in a lot of other parts of our lives.  Want to drop seventy-five pounds and get those six pack abs you’ve always dreamed of?  It’s going to take years of hard work and dedication to accomplish.  This is why people so often struggle to lose weight.

Staring down the barrel of a huge project is downright intimidating, whether it be writing that novel, dropping weight or saving for retirement.  So how do you deal with it?  How do you motivate yourself to not just start on a project, but also see it through to completion?

In programming we are taught a method called the building block approach.  It teaches you to break a large project into many smaller goals, and then to tackle those goals one at a time.  Before you know it that huge problem becomes a lot more manageble, because you solve it one piece at a time.

I’ll provide an example. 

I want to write an application for iPhone, iPad, Android, Mac and PC that hundreds of thousands of roleplayers all over the world will buy.  Wow.  It doesn’t get much more ambitious than that.  But where should I begin?  What should my first step be?

I used the building block approach to break the problem up into smaller problems that are easier to tackle.  I’ve classified the first set as Tier 1 goals:

Tier I Goals

1- Write the software

2- Create a marketing campaign to let people know about it.

3- Make sure my intellectual property is protected

4- Set up a business to sell this software

Yikes.  All four problems were still pretty big, but at least each one was a clear goal.  I applied the building block approach again to break the first problem into more manageable tasks.  I borke it into Tier II goals:

Write the Software- Tier II Goals

1- Compile a list of hardware and software I will need to create my application for iPhone & iPad

2- Learn to program in Objective C and master the iPhone software development kit

3- Create a feature list for the software

Ok, still some pretty daunting goals, but they were starting to look manageble.  I broke them up again into Tier III goals. 

Compile a List of Hardware and software- Tier III Goals

1- I’ll need an iPhone and iPad to test the application.

2- Apple requires you to develop using a Mac, so I’ll need a Macbook to write the application

3- In order to publish an app on the app store I need to pay a $99 fee to join the developer program

These three goals are much easier to solve.  So I solved them.  I already had an iPhone.  I bought an iPad, a Macbook and paid my $99 to join the developer program.  Then I tackled the next Tier II goal:

Learn to program in Objective C and master the iPhone software development kit- Tier III Goals

1- Find a book to teach me Xcode (the SDK for iPhone and iPad)

2- Go chapter by chapter through the book

3- Make a mockup of the eGeak program to practice the skills I have learned.

Each of these tasks was a bit daunting, but when I took them one at a time they weren’t so bad.  I spent some time on Amazon and found The Big Nerd Ranch Guide to iPhone Programming.  After reading reviews on dozens of books this one seemed like the best, so I downloaded it using Kindle for iPad.  Problem solved!

I set a regimen and started devouring the chapters one at a time.  This process took me two months, and I just finished the book late last week.

I am currently creating the first version of the eGeak program using the skills I learned from the book.  Thus far its coming along great, but every day or two I run into a problem I can’t solve.  This forces me to research the problem, which improves my skills and teaches me more about iPhone programming.  It has the added benefit of improving the software.

This led me to the last of the Tier II goals for Writing the Software, creating a feature list.  Now that I understand the basics of iPhone programming it was much easier to understand just what my app could and couldn’t do.

I spent several hours brainstorming, then several hours more working with my roomate Jeff to improve my ideas.  By the end of the process I had a pretty thorough feature list.  I now understood how to program in Objective C, what I wanted my software to do and how to get there.

As of this writing the software is mostly functional, though there are still features I’m struggling to implement. I consider it a major milestone to have made it this far, which was only possible by following the building block approach.

As you can see from my example there are still many other challenges I will have to face, such as marketing the product once it’s finished.  The key is to approach them with the same mentality, breaking each into problems that are small enough to tackle.

If I continue to use the building block approach, stay focused and keep up the hard work I will have my software to market by the end of the year.  It hasn’t been easy, and in all likelihood it will get harder before the I reach my goal.  The important thing is to just keep going, one goal at a time. 

Now it’s time to pose a challenge to you.  What dream do you have that feels unattainable?  Is it losing weight?  Writing a novel?  Winning a marathon?  Try breaking that task down into smaller goals, and accomplish those goals one at a time.

You will be amazed at what you can accomplish.

This series of writing excercises was prompted by the Write Great Fiction series.  I first discovered the books about a year and a half ago, and have seen tremendous growth in my writing after reading the first four.  I’ve decided to return to the books, but this time I’d like to complete each of the exercises listed at the end of every chapter.

I’ve decided to begin with Description & Settings, the only Write Great Fiction book I haven’t read…

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Excercise #1: Think of a place you visited for which you had a preconceived notion or expectation before arriving.  Recall something that blew your preconception away.

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I’ve lived a paltry four hours from Lake Tahoe since I was a junior in high school.  Every time I mention that I’ve never been the person responds with shock, immediately telling me that I need to go.  I’d calmly tell them I’d get around to it eventually.  I was sure the lake was beautiful, but I’d seen lakes before and didn’t think it was worth the long drive. 

After all I’d seen places like Goat Rock and Bodega bay.  How could a paltry lake compete with the overwhelming majesty of the ocean?

I finally had the opportunity to find out last Labor Day weekend.  Amelia’s family was heading up to a flyspec town called Markleyville to do some fishing, so I decided to join them.  We made the drive up in the dark, which meant I saw nothing on the way in.  I was conscious of the constant increase in elevation as we wound up one mountain after another.  Yet I couldn’t appreciate the beauty since there was almost no light, not even the moon.

We spent the next day fishing in Markleyville, which was pretty but nothing to inspire any sort of awe.  Two days later Amelia’s family headed back to Santa Rosa, while she and I continued to South Lake Tahoe to spend the day.

This time I was able to see all the beauty and majesty that I’d missed on the drive in.  We were surrounded by towering mountains, vast stands of trees and crisp mountain air.  The entire setting was one of the most beautiful I have ever witnessed, rivaled only by Yosemite Valley.

Arriving in South Lake Tahoe blew away any preconceived notions I might have had.  Stands of redwoods and  pines were interspaced between the many small hotels and restaurants.  It was a seemless blending of nature and civilization, one I fell in love with immediately.

That was the California side of the border.  The Nevada side was a whole other world.  It was dominated by sprawling multistoried buildings packed so closely together you couldn’t even see between them.  There were no trees anywhere around them.  Not a single one.  Civilization had erased nature so completely it may as well never have existed.

Amelia’s parents recommended that we take the gondola, which was an odd ski lift that carries you to the summit of Heavenly mountain affording an amazing view of the lake.  We parked behind the Harrah casino and walked through it to reach the main boulevard.  The heavy scent of cigarette smoke made my eyes water, and despite the happy whirring and chirping of all the slot machines the place bore an oppressive air of desperation and loss.

It was a huge relief when we emerged back into the cool mountain air.  Amelia and I meandered down the boardwalk, taking our time window shopping.  Eventually we found the gondala, purchased tickets and grabbed cinammon rolls to munch on during the ride up.

The gondala lifts look like giant fishbowls made to seat four.  Amelia and I sat backwards, facing the lake as the gondala inched up the mountain side.  The higher it carried us the more of the lake was visible.  At first it was just a sliver of blue so deep and clear that I decided I had never really seen the color until just then.

The higher we travelled the more of the lake was revealed, until we finally arrived at the first stop some eleven thousand feet above sea level.  The view was breathtaking and a bit surreal, as if you were seeing something that existed nowhere else in the world.   The lake was so massive that I couldn’t get it all in one photograph.  I had to take several to build a sort of panoramic view.

Seeing the lake from that altitude was life changing.  It reminded me how small we really are, how massive and beautiful nature can really be.  My first glimpse of Lake Tahoe defies description, though I’ve tried to do it justice.  It awakened something primal within me, a long dormant part of my soul that harkens back to an earlier age of the world.

I can’t wait to get back there!

My old self has gone missing.  I’ve looked everywhere, but I just can’t find him.  Old Chris was a creature of habit, as predictable as the sunrise.  You’d think that would make him easy to locate, but he’s been mysteriously absent for over a year now.

So who was Old Chris?  Let me walk you through his typical day.  Old Chris would wake up at about 8am.  He’d stumble through the shower, wander into work to plod through eight hours of customer service calls.  Then he’d leave work, grab some fast food on the way home and spend the rest of the evening playing video games like World of Warcraft.

On the weekends old Chris would spend his days goofing off, playing role-playing games with friends or watching TV.  He didn’t venture out much, which is ironic since he lived in one of the most beautiful places in the world.  So what happened to him?  I don’t know.  I just know that one day I woke up and realized he’d been replaced by New Chris.

New Chris gets up at 6:30 every morning.  He spends an hour at the gym kicking his own ass.  Afterwards he heads home and spends a half hour programming while he waits for his roomate to finish up in the bathroom.  After he takes a shower he spends another twenty minutes reading one of several books on the craft of writing.

Then Chris heads to work.  Between phone calls he designs software to automate monthly reports for the Financial Assistance department at Redwood Credit Union.  At lunch, instead of getting fast food, he heads home and spends 40 minutes programming.

After work he spends an hour belting out two thousand words of fiction, then he spends another hour working on his iPap application.  Then and only then does New Chris allow himself to play a few games of Starcraft, or watch a movie on Netflix.

New Chris spends his weekends climbing mountains, or travelling to places like Lake Tahoe and Yosemite.  He enrolled in Toastmasters to improve his leadership and public speaking skills, because he knows these things will be valuable when he launches the eGeak software he is working on.  He is more confident, more diligent and more articulate than Old Chris.

New Chris has a drive and discipline that Old Chris could never have understood.  He has a purpose, an understanding that hard work is a necessary part of achieving his dreams.  He sees every day as an opportunity to grow, to become more than he was the day before.

Old Chris spent most of his days dreaming about what might be.  New Chris spends his days transforming those dreams into reality.  Old Chris has been missing for over a year now.  You know what?  I hope I never run into that guy again

New Chris has too many things he wants to do.  He’s going to achieve each and every one of his dreams, one day at a time.

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in myself over the last few years.  I’ve become introverted and avoid conversations with people.  When I do speak I have a difficult time maintaining eye contact.  I come across as timid and soft spoken.  Worse, I have a difficult time getting my point across.

Instead of being articulate and easily explaining complex issues like I used to, I now struggle to relate the simplest topic.  One example is a conversation I had with a friend about one of my favorite books, The Name of the Wind.  He asked me a very simple question.  What is it about?

I fumbled for an answer.  I couldn’t even articulate a few sentences explaining the plot, which is something I could easily do in the past.  I’ve always prided myself on my ability to communicate, but that simple incident shocked and horrified me.

For the first time in my life I could no longer converse with my peers.  Sure, I had moments of lucidity but the longer I talked the more I rambled.  The less sense I made.  I cannot even begin to express the sheer terror that gripped me when I realized this.

The incident with Aaron happened about two years ago, back when we lived together at the 4th street duplex.  I knew then I had a serious problem, but rather than deal with it I retreated deeper and deeper into depression.  I talked less and less, spending most of my time alone playing video games.  Ignoring the problem was the absolute worst thing I could have done, because it only grew worse over time.

In April of 2009 I finally decided that I needed to do something about it.  I didn’t like the way my life was going, and I wanted to reclaim my intellect and my charisma.  I wanted to become the man I’d been before deciding to move back to Santa Rosa, the man who dominated sales at First Metropolitan Funding, who singlehandedly put the company on the map.

But how?  How did I reverse the damage that had been done?  How did I recapture what I’d lost when I wasn’t even sure what was gone?

First I needed to assess the problem and find the cause.  I took a hard look at my life.  What had changed?  There had to be a cause.  The first thing I examined was work.  I spent eight hours a day doing it, so what was different about working in the call center at RCU vs working for FMF down in Los Angeles?

There was a stark difference that all but slapped me in the face.  In Los Angeles my job was to meet people and convince them to send their business to FMF.  Part of that process involved a great deal of interaction with the staff in the office, and the rest was befriending brokers.  I had to be a good conversationalist or I couldn’t be successful.  Contrast that to my job at RCU.

In RCU I worked in a cubicle.  We were tracked by how many minutes a day we were logged into the phone, which meant we didn’t have time to socialize.  Instead of conversing with my coworkers throughout the day I typically spoke to no one.  I’d come in, maybe say hello to a couple of people, and then log into my phone.  At the end of the day I left, saying goodbye to a couple of people.

My only interaction with people at work happened on the phone, and each of these were a brief transaction.  Simple things like me looking up their checking balance.  All of the face time I’d had in Los Angeles was gone, which partly explained why I was becoming such a hermit.

Next I turned my attention to my home life.  What was going on there? 

When I first moved back to Santa Rosa I was still outgoing.  I made an effort to renew connections with my old friends.  I enjoyed getting together with the guys and roleplaying.  However, I noticed a disturbing trend early on.  When I’d run the gaming group in L.A. most people were pretty polite.  We spoke at a normal volume and didn’t talk over each other.

My friends in Santa Rosa interacted much differently.  When the guys got together people constantly talked over each other, and it was an effort to make myself heard.  One of my friends was far louder than the rest, which meant if he was speaking he’d eventually overpower the conversation.  It was really frustrating, because people didn’t listen.  They talked.

I got so sick of fighting to be heard that I talked less and less.  Instead of actively participating in the conversation I’d read a book, or surf the web or play a video game.  This was made even worse, because we were smoking marijuana constantly.  It made it easier for me to tune out the people around me, falling deeper into my own solitary world.

The marijuana created other problems.  I was high a lot of the time, which made it harder to think.  It also killed my motivation.  If you are familiar with The Enneagram I fall into the Achiever category.  I always have to improve myself, partly because it’s a way to secure the approval of my peers.  To put it another way- I have to be the best.

It wasn’t accidental that I went from the mail room to the EVP of sales at the mortgage company I worked for, nor that I started as a junior tech and ended up the manager of Computers for Everyone.  Whatever environment I was thrust into I naturally excelled at.

Yet the marijuana made that sort of excellence impossible at RCU.  I became forgetful and my mind was like a muddy pond.  I sluggishly fought to recall even the simplest of things.  The worst part was that I still had enough self awareness to understand what I’d lost.

The incident where I failed to explain to Aaron the basic plot of The Name of the Wind drove it home with painful clarity.  It wasn’t the only incident either.  There were many other stark reminders of the wretched state I’d allow myself to fall into.

I’d lost my direction.  I had no focus.  I feared interacting with others, because I was ashamed of what I’d become.  My self esteem was reduced to nothing, and I became a quiet mouse who strived to avoid the attention of others.

This brings us back to April of 2009.  I knew what I’d become and I remembered what I’d once been.  The horror finally gave me enough motivation to change things.  I looked at the disugsting duplex I lived in, and decided to move out.  I spoke to Jeff about my frustrations and found he shared a lot of them, so he decided to go with me.

We moved into a much nicer place the following month, and I saw an immediate difference.  My self esteem jumped, because I lived in a clean home.  I was no longer embarassed to have people see where I lived.  Instead I felt something that had been long absent in my life.  Pride.

It didn’t instantly restore me to my old self, not by a long shot.  I’d spent two years falling into a very deep pit, and climbing out proved much more difficult than falling in.  I was still overweight.  I was still smoking marijuana, though at least I was no longer doing it every day.  I still worked a job that provided no social interaction.

Bear in mind I wasn’t consciously aware of all these problems the way I am today.  Back then I thought I’d solved my problems and that things would quickly return to normal.  I didn’t realize I was avoiding social interaction.  I didn’t understand that I was avoiding eye contact with my friends and coworkers.

It wasn’t until December of 2009 that I started putting those pieces together.  I knew I was still a long way from the man I wanted to be.  So in January I made a lengthly list of goals to help me do just that.  The most momentous of these decisions was to quit smoking marijuana.

In examining the problems I faced I’d come to realize that it was my single biggest hurdle.  So I quit.  Cold turkey.  I didn’t wean myself, I just stopped smoking entirely.  The first few months were very challenging, because my body underwent a whole host of withdrawal symptoms.

Part of what I’d been using marijuana for was an antidepressant, and its sudden removal was like a bucket of cold water to the face.  I became angry and sullen, lashing out at friends and family.  This made me feel horrible and I apologized profusely.  Fortunately they were very understanding.

I examined myself closely, realizing that the anger and frustration was a result of my sudden clarity.  I hated what I’d let myself become, and this manifested itself by lashing out at others.  So I hit on a solution.  If I improved my life and strove to be a better person I’d have nothing to be angry about.

By March I was a completely different person.  The THC had left my system entirely.  I had more motivation, more clarity of thought and a better physique.  I worked out like a fiend and started to accomplish more goals.  I transferred to a new department at work, and I started dating Amelia.

Life improved drastically, but I was still not the man I’d been before.  I still had trouble making eye contact, and struggled to have coherent conversations.  I’d lost the ability to be a good listener and to express myself.  I made a conscious decision to try to change these things, and have spent the last several months doing so.

I’ve forced myself to keep eye contact during conversations.  It’s still not easy and occasionally I slip, but I’m doing much better than I have for years.  Conversations can still be challenging.  I have a tendency to jump from subject to subject, and its very difficult to stay focused.  But there has been improvement!  I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in a long while I have a plan to do that.

My MCCC plan

That leads me to today.  I’m writing this in a conscious effort to become a better person.  I want to  practice what I call MCCC.  Memory, Concentration, Conversation and Confidence.   I want to be more social, more active and more productive.  In short I want to be the man I used to, only with more focus, discipline and drive than I ever had in my 20s.

Here’s how I plan to do it.

Memory

One of the well known effects of marijuana is that it impacts short term memory.  Your ability to remember basic facts like phone numbers, or to learn new things is seriously hampered.  Removing the marijuana fixes the chemical issue causing this, but the root problem is still there.

You see the brain works just like a muscle.  The more you use it the stronger it becomes.  By smoking for as long as I had I allowed it to atrophy.  I could no longer do simple things like remember phone numbers, or do complicated math problems in my head.

What’s the solution?  Start working out my brain.  To do this I’ve begun simple exercises in my everday life.  Instead of copying and pasting information at work I memorize it, then type it where it needs to go.  This applies to things like account numbers, names, addresses and other personal information.

I’ve also begun eating better.  Certain vitamins like B12 help with clarity of thought, so I’m striving to include them in my diet.

Another good way to exercise my brain is new activities.  A study I read suggested brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand.  Or getting dressed with your eyes closed.  The point is to force your brain to adapt to new situations, which will cause certain synapses to fire that have been long dormant.

Routines are your enemy, and unfortunately I thrive on them.  So I have to make a conscious effort to do new things.  Fortunately this is something I’ve really been striving to do recently.  I’ve gone out to dinner with Amelia, Nora and Ivonne.  I’ve spent time with Amelia’s parents.  I’ve hiked all over Sonoma County.  I went to Yosemite.

Each of these activities helped, but the most important addition has definitely been programming.  Creating code awakened a long dormant part of my mind, and in the two months I’ve been doing it again I can feel my clarity returning.  The vast intelligence that I have always been so proud of is coming back.  I can solve problems quickly and effectively, and I’m starting to remember how good doing that feels.

Concentration

My concentration has been severely lacking for a while now.  My brain jumps frantically from topic to topic and its very difficult for me to focus on any specific task.  I even worried that I might have ADHD.  I took a test proving that my worries were unfounded.

What I’m lacking is concentration, and that’s because I haven’t cultivated it for years.  So I’ve decided to begin mental excercises to help regain it.

The first is something long absent in my life.  This morning I meditated for the first time in three years.  It was challenging, but then meditation always is in the beginning.  I’m resolved to keep at it, because I know that meditation will help me regain my focus.

The next exercise is similar to meditation.  I study an object like a screwdriver or a book for a few moments, then close my eyes and envision it.  I hold that image in my mind for five minutes.  This was incredibly difficult to do today, but will get easier with time.

The last thing I’m doing is visualization.  I’ve always known that confidence is key to being successful in life.  I also know that you are what you practice.  If you practice being confident, even when you don’t feel confident, you will naturally become more confident over time.  By visualizing myself as a more confident more focused person it’s my hope that I will become just such a person.

Conversation

The horrible atrophy my conversation skills have undergone saddens and appalls me.  I don’t make sense a lot of the time, and I’m not nearly as good of a listener as I once was.  The way to fix this is to practice five very simple principals when conversing with others.

#1- Ask Questions

In my experience most people love to talk about themselves.  Ask them questions and you will naturally propel any conversation forward.  This means being interested in what they are saying, which leads to…

#2- Paying Attention

This is one of the areas that needs the most work.  I used to be a great listener, but now I’m easily distracted.  My own internal thoughts overpower the conversation, and my eyes dart around the room.  I often check my smartphone for texts or emails during conversation. 

Paying attention means meeting people’s gaze.  It means nodding at the right time.  All the little social queues I used to pay attention to need to become a priority again.  This is going to be difficult, but I’ve already made progress and will continue to do so.

#3- Know when to speak

This means not overpowering people when they are speaking and not replying with ‘Oh yeah, you think that’s bad?  Well let me tell you about…’.  Don’t one up people.  Listen to their story and add something constructive when they are done speaking.

#4- Be Prepared

If I want to have conversations I have to know about things.  If people are discussing politics and I don’t know about the candidates for governor I can’t participate in the conversation.  However, if I have read up on the right topics then its easier to interject things in the conversation.

#5- Stay on Topic

This is also an area where I need serious work.  My mind jumps around constantly.  When I’m talking to someone I usually say a sentence or two about a topic, and then its off to the next topic.

Staying on topic means listening to something someone says, then replying with something relevant.  It means explaining something until the person I am conversing with understands what I am talking about.  Let me give you an example of the problem.

Me: “As far as gamers go, we’re elitist bastards.”

Her: “Elitist bastards?”

Me: On to another topic…

What I should have done was reply about my previous statement.  I should have explained about gamers and about why I consider my friends and I to be elite.  Instead I moved on to something else, probably leaving my poor girlfriend confused about what I was saying.

I don’t do this all the time, thank god, but I do it entirely too often.  So I need to learn to stay focused on a given topic.  I did this the other night when hanging with Jeff.  We discussed Faelands for a while, and had a great discussion.  It was so good because we kept on topic.  It ended when I meandered onto something irrelevant.

Confidence

I’ve long understood the value of confidence.  If you are confident people respect you.  Women find you more attractive.  For the first two decades of my life I had confidence in spades.  I was beyond confident.  I was an arrogant bastard.

I was damn good at everything I did.  I dominated chess tournaments, Magic the Gathering tournaments and kicked the crap out of people at video games like Starcraft or Unreal.  I excelled in school, regularly pulling the highest grade in the class.  I easily understood everything, and it contributed to that arrogance.

Then I hit my early 20s.  Life threw curve ball after curve ball at me.  I gained weight.  My marriage disintegrated.  Things I had taken for granted and accepted to be true turned out to be pretty lies.  This destroyed my confidence, which continued to erode year after year.

When I went down to Los Angeles I began to excel again.  I became a bigshot at work.  I started making a ton of money.  Some measure of confidence returned.  I began dating and found I was very successful with women, largely because of that confidence.

Then I moved back to Santa Rosa and lost it all.  I no longer had a high paying job, and I have to admit that affected my self esteem.  I was out of shape, weighing in at about 240.  I didn’t have a ton of friends and I wasn’t dating.  All of this took its toll.

My confidence is tied up in my self worth.  If I am doing well, I gain more confidence.  If my place in life is shaky, or if I have no sense of direction then I also lack confidence.

So it stands to reason that if I do well at life I gain confidence.  I know from past experience that this is the case.  Success begets more success, which breeds a corresponding amount of confidence.  It happened during my mid 20s when I got the job at Nokia.  I became an engineer, lost a bunch of weight and felt like a million bucks. 

The same thing is happening now.  I’ve written 2,000 words a day for over a year and a half.  As a result my writing has improved immeasurably.  This taste of success bred more confidence and inspired me to start losing weight. 

I’ve worked out almost every day for eight months, which bred more confidence.  I’m stronger, look better and I know it.  This has inspired me to redouble my weight loss efforts.  I know it won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

The promotion I got back in December helped a ton.  It’s inspired me to apply for an even higher paying job at the Credit Union (I have an interview tomorrow).  More importantly its made me ask myself what else I can do to make more money.  This has led to me wanting to become an iOS developer.

It gave me the confidence to try.  I’m well on my way to living the developer dream, and if I succeed it provide even more confidence.

In recent days I’ve been increasingly aware of my social interactions.  It’s gotten easier to maintain eye contact, and I’m doing better at conversations.  Again, this isn’t an overnight thing, but increased confidence is making it more and more comfortable to interact with people again.

If I can keep the momentum going my confidence will increase.  If I visualize having more confidence, I WILL.  So there you go.  That’s my MCCC plan.  I know there will be fits and starts along the way, but as long as I continue to improve I will be heading in the right direction.

Most of my friends are either approaching 30 or have already passed that sobering milestone.  Every one of us faced it with a mixture of sadness and loss.  The frenetic chaos of our 20s, with its endless parties and part time jobs, somehow left us behind. 

College kids look like high school freshmen.  That cute girl at Starbucks doesn’t smile and bat her eyes anymore.  She calls you sir.  Most of your friends are married.  Many have children.  Somehow you woke up on the wrong side of 30. 

Can I tell you a little secret?  It might be the right side after all.  There are some serious upsides to the land of 30.

You’ve lived long enough to earn scars wrought by your failures.  You have accomplishments and hard bought wisdom.  You know more about the world.  More importantly you know more about yourself. 

When you look in the mirror you actually know the person staring back at you.  It’s no longer some confused kid recovering from a hangover.  The angst of your teens and twenties seem trivial now.  You’ve got real problems.  You survived yours 20s. 

Wear that like a badge of honor, because you’ve entered one of the most powerful stages of your life.  For the next decade you have a perfect balance of youth, wisdom, intelligence and health.  You are smart enough to see what needs doing and young enough to get shit done.

It’s ok to mourn the old you.  The time when your life was measured by what you could accomplish instead of  what you’ve actually done.  The time when you could party on work nights, when your gaze reached no further than tomorrow.  That you had some great times and made some great memories.  They’ll always be a part of you.

Mourn that you, but celebrate the new.  Realize that you can do things with the power of maturity that the naivete of youth can’t ever hope to match.  You aren’t old.  Maybe the 65 year old version of yourself can make that claim.  But 30 year old you?  They’re brimming with possibilities and ready to make a mark on the world.

Turning 30 isnt’ the end.  It isn’t the beginning, but it is a beginning.  So make the most of it.  Decide that the next ten years are going to be the best of your life, and then get out there and make that happen.  Cause you know what?  One day you’re going to wake up on the wrong side of 40 

 

Think back to your childhood.  Did you have a dream?  Something you wanted to be or do when you grew up?  Maybe you wanted to be a fighter pilot, or a famous actor or an comic book artist.  Perhaps your dream was to publish a best selling novel or be an olympic athelete.  I don’t know what yours was, but I’m pretty sure I know what it wasn’t.  None of us wanted to be an accountant, a salesman or a mortgage broker.

Somewhere along the way most of us shelved our dreams in the face of life’s immediate concerns.  Rent.  Food.  Marriage.  Kids.  We’re all familiar with the demands life can heap on us.  But you know what?  It doesn’t mean you have to give up your dream.

I spent last weekend with a group of high school and college friends that I haven’t seen in years.  It brought me back to our teenage years when we were all full of hopes and dreams and the world was full of possibilities.  We’d spend hours discussing all the amazing things we were going to accomplish.

Fifteen years later most of those dreams lay discarded and forgotten, with one very notable exception. 

Have you ever seen the movie Contact with Jodie Foster?  If you remember her character, that’s my friend Trev.  For as long as I’ve know him he’s been fascinated with the night sky, with the possibility that we are not alone in the universe.  Space is the last undiscovered country and Trev brims with excitement at what could be out there just waiting for us to discover.

What I admire most about Trev is his passion.  He’s not like the rest of us, he marches to the beat of his own drum regardless of what anyone else thinks.  Unlike the rest of us he hasn’t given up on his dream.  While we were settling into comfortable mediocrity Trev was pursuing those dreams with the tenacity of a pit bull.

While I was working my way up the executive ladder at a mortgage bank he was spending his nights and weekends taking classes at the local junior college.  Those classes include things that make most people’s eyes cross, like calculus, physics and analytical geometry.  All done in pursuit of his dream, becoming an astronomer.

When I saw Trev last weekend he showed us a series of graphs that were taken from a 42″ telescope at San Diego State University.  He created them himself after spending his nights and weekends observing the night sky with a team of scientists.  What’s more some of his work was just published in a scientific journal.

Trev is living his dream.  He no longer wants to become an astronomer, he is an astronomer.  Nearly a decade of hard work has finally paid off.  When he graduates I plan to fly down, because I want him to know just how proud I am of everything he’s accomplished.

Trev’s relentless pursuit of his dreams is inspiring.  Our dreams are possible, but to accomplish them we need the same level of dedication he’s shown.  Nothing worth having comes easy.  Nor does it come quickly.

I’ve learned this fact from my writing.  For the last eighteen months I’ve worked every day to craft the perfect novel.  My first attempt took me seven months to write, but when I finished I realized that it was nowhere near good enough for publication.

Becoming a best selling novelist is going to take me years.  There are many more concepts and techniques I need to learn before I master the craft, but you know what?  I’m ok with that.  I continue to write every day even though I know my work isn’t as good as I want it to be.

Trevor is living proof that the payoff will come if I stay focused and keep plodding forward.  Sometimes I want to quit.  Sometimes I get frustrated.  But every day I refuse to give up I improve just a little bit more.  I’ve already had short stories, articles and web columns published.  I’ve improved immeasurably in the last year and a half.  Give me a few years and I’ll be one of the best damn authors out there.

Nor is that my only dream.  Those who read my last article know that I’ve invested $3,000 into writing an iPad / iPhone applications.  I spend my mornings, lunches and evenings writing code.  It’s not easy, but I know it will be worth the payoff in the end.

That’s the drive and dedication we all need if we want to achieve those dreams that have been languishing in our closets behind those old pairs of shoes.  It’s something each of us needs to harness if we want to keep the promises we made ourselves as children.  You can be anything you want to be. 

So what are your dreams?  Do you want to start a business?  Go back to school to become an engineer?  A lawyer?  A novelist?  It doesn’t matter what your dream is.  What matters is that you do something today to start achieving it.

One step becomes two and before you know it you’re on your way to keeping that promise to the child you used to be.  It’s never too late to turn your dreams into reality.

Have you ever discovered something so profound that you knew it would change the world forever?  For me that moment came in 1994.  The world was a different place back then.  Bill Clinton was President.  NAFTA had just been signed into law.  Kurt Kobain was found dead in his home from a self inflicted shotgun blast. 

Almost no one had a home computer.  Neither Google nor Internet Exlorer existed.  DVDs hadn’t been invented.  Very few people had cell phones and those that did looked like this:

 

I’d just graduated high school and enrolled for my first semester at Santa Rosa Junior College.  I wanted to become a journalist, so one of the first classes I took was Electronic Journalism.  I had no idea what the course was about, but I figured it had Journalism in the name so I’d give it a shot.

The class ended up having nothing to do with Journalism.  It was actually a computer course about creating web pages in a language called HTML.  I felt duped.  I didn’t even own a computer and neither did most of my friends.  What was the point of learning this odd new language?  How would it help me get my writing published?

At that time no one knew what the internet was.  Yahoo hadn’t gone public yet.  The only web browser was the beta version of Netscape.  Words like dot com were only known to a select few computer geeks, and the few who did get online did so with a slower than molasses 56k modem.  DSL and cable modems didn’t exist.

By the end of my first day of class I no longer considered Electronic Journalism a waste of time.  Quite the opposite, my attitude did a complete 180.  I realized that the world wide web was going to change everything.  I saw the potential of what the web would become, and I wanted to be on the cutting edge of that digital wave.  The information age had begun.

I was so excited I changed my major from journalism to computer science.  Before long I lucked into a job at a company called Advanced Fibre Communications where I had my first taste of professional programming.

I loved it.  I regularly worked over 80 hours a week, often with no weekend. I didn’t care.  Writing code got into my blood, and I couldn’t get enough of it.  Over the next six months I wrote a variety of programs using something called Visual Foxpro (kudos if you remember it).

Unfortunately my stint at AFC only lasted six months.  The company decided to implement a rival technology called SAP and my entire department was let go.  Since I didn’t have a degree getting another programming job was out of the question, but I didn’t give up.  I decided to go back to school.

I took a part time job working at a local computer store to help pay the bills.  The job was an important step, because it taught me a whole new set of skills.  I learned to build and repair computers, set up networks and most importantly troubleshoot computer problems.

Within a year I became the head technician.  A year after that I was running the store.  I went from knowing nothing about computers to building them from scratch in my sleep.  I learned the ins and outs of running a small business, but the more time passed the less profitable the computer store became.  Worse, it consumed enough of my time that I dropped out of college.

Through it all I was left with the nagging feeling that I was missing out on the world wide web.  I kept thinking that there was some way I could tap into it to make my fortune, but I was too busy dealing with a rocky marriage and paying my rent to give the matter much thought.

Eventually I decided to leave the store and  took a job as a database coordinator for the telecom division of Nokia.  Within a year I became the youngest software engineer on their payroll.  I didn’t have a degree, but they were desperate for engineers and I was an exceptionally fast learner. 

The next twelve months were the most fun I have ever had professionally.  Management brought me a broad array of problems, and I was allowed to solve them however I wished.  I loved coming up with creative solutions and thrived on the challenges I was presented. 

Unfortunately it didn’t last.  I was doing a great job, but the telecom division was losing money at a record rate.  Nokia decided to close the plant I worked at, instead outsourcing our jobs to Taiwan.  My coworkers and I became a victims of the dot com crash, and we weren’t alone. 

Over six hundred thousand engineers were suddenly without a job, and I spent the next ten months in a fruitless search for work.  I applied for everything from bench tech to network security to junior programmer.  My resume was chock full of relevant experience, but there just weren’t any jobs to be had.

So I packed my bags and moved to Los Angeles.  The market wasn’t any better down there, and when I didn’t find a job in the IT field I took a temp position in the mortgage industry.  Within a month they promoted me to funding assistant.  Then funder.  Then I took over the lock desk.  Then I started drawing docs.

Somewhere along the way I took over the entire IT department.  I created the website, fixed the computers, set up our eFax, ran the network, set up the linux server and did everything else a small company demands of a computer guy.

I worked there for six years and used my command of technology to help fund forty million dollars in loans every month.  I worked 60+ hours most weeks, but I made money like it was going out of style.  The problem was that while I loved the computer work I hated the mortgage industry.  I also hated Los Angeles.  So in 2007 I decided to move home to Santa Rosa.

I spent a few months looking for a job, but unfortunately there wasn’t much in the way of tech support, networking or programming.  In the end I took a job in a call center at Redwood Credit Union (an amazing company to work for).  Last December I transferred to a new department with an accompanying pay raise and love my new postion.

The thing is I miss programming.  I miss creating software from nothing but raw ideas and the power of my imagination.  I get some of that fix from my writing, but I still get the itch to code.  

Which brings us to today.

I haven’t done much programming in the last three years.  Sure, there have been a few side projects but nothing steady.  I desperately miss programming, so what can I do?  The answer struck me like a bolt of lightning.

Stop trying to find a programming job and start working for myself.  Why not write my own software?

In 2008 I bought an iPhone.  I was fascinated with the sheer number of apps you can download.  Some are free, some have a small cost.  As soon as I saw them a lightbulb went on.  Why not write my own applications?

I did some research, but unfortunately Apple requires you to develop using a Mac.  I’ve always been a PC user, so I would need to shell out nearly a thousand dollars to buy the computer, and another hundred to enroll in their developer program.  I refused to drop that kind of money, because I worried that I might not see a return on my investment. 

What if I couldn’t come up with any good ideas for an app?  What if I was lazy and didn’t spend the time learning the Objective C language after I dropped the money?  I fell prey to my own fears and shelved the idea.

Since then three things have changed.  The first is my writing.  Since February of 2009 I have belted out an average of two thousand words every day.  This has helped me cultivate a newfound discipline and I asked myself a very serious question.  Could I harness this discipline for other parts of my life?

The second change came when I answered that question in January.  I decided I was going to start working out and applied the same discipline that I’d learned from writing.  I was apprehensive at first, but seven months later I’ve gone to the gym almost every day.  I’m stronger, in better shape and feel like a completely different person.

More importantly I’ve proven to myself that I can apply discipline to other parts of my life in order to build habits that will allow me to accomplish serious goals.  It’s filled me with a confidence I’ve found lacking in recent years, and its got me asking myself what else I can accomplish.   

That question was answered last month when a friend brought his iPad over.  When I’d first heard about it I dismissed it as an overpriced toy destined to fail.  Then I spent ten minutes using it.  The experience took me all the way back to 1994 when I first discovered the World Wide Web.  I knew immediately that the iPad was going to change everything in the same way the web did.

My prediction?  Tablet computers like the iPad will replace both desktops and laptops in the next ten years.  I realize that’s a bold claim, but hear me out.

They are smaller, lighter, more portable, and more aesthetically pleasing than a laptop.  They allow you to do everything from surfing the internet to reading books to writing a term paper to watching netflix.  It can hold your entire music collection, picture collection and your entire library of books with room left over.  It can even be set up on your desk like a picture frame so it can cycle through your photos like a slide show.

I just took mine to Yosemite and used it for everything from navigation (driving directions) to working on my novel while watching the sun set.  I use it at work during meetings to take notes and have even set it up to deliver presentations using Powerpoint.

I believe the tablet PC is the next logical step in the evolution of computers.  It’s going to replace traditional laptops and PCs the way DVDs replaced VHS.  The same way Smartphones are replacing the traditional cell phones.

We are standing on the verge of a massive change in personal computing that will rival the advent of the world wide web itself.  In the next decade you will see more and more people adopt this technology.  Already universities are brainstorming ways to work tablets into their curriculums.

The hardware will only get cheaper, and when it does more and more people will buy them.  The iPad looks amazing, but few people are willing to drop $500+ for one.  What if you could get one for $35?  Tens of millions will purchase them as the price drops, creating an ever larger pool of people willing to buy software.

So what does this have to do with me getting back into programming?  There are fifty million iPhone users.  There are nine million iPad users, with a million more being added every month.  There would be even more, but that’s as fast as Apple can make iPads.

I can write applications for both using the same language, which gives me access to nearly sixty million users.  Tablet technology is still in its infancy, so there will never be a better time for me to start making apps.

This has the potential to be extraordinarily profitable.  How profitable?  If you charged $.99 cents for an app and .01% of iPhone/iPad users decided to buy it you’d make $60,000 in raw revenue.  If a full 1% liked your app you’d gross $600,000.  Those numbers are  theoretical of course, but not as much as you might think.  One of the engineers I worked with at Nokia got into iPhone programming in 2008.  A game he made grossed over $50,000 in the first year.

Am I expecting similar success?  Not even close.  It might happen, but its more likely that I’ll see much smaller returns since my first app targets a limited audience.  Still, even a couple hundred dollars every month is more than I have right now.

Once I made the decision to become an iPhone developer I spent a few days brainstorming.  Three potential apps took shape, and one is simple enough to finish by the end of the summer.  I decided to work on that one first, but before I began I thought it was a good idea to see if there was any existing competition.  To my surprise their isnt!  My app will be the first of its kind to market.

Now that I had my idea I needed an iPad, a Macbook, a website and an Apple Developer membership.  Add in an advertising budget and I realized I was looking at a $3,000 investment.  That’s quite a chunk of change to spend on the chance that an iPhone application I haven’t even written yet will take off. 

Bear in mind that I have always been a conservative pragmatist.  I’ve never spent so much as a dollar in a casino, because I don’t like the odds.  I don’t take chances unless I am pretty damn sure I will see a return on my investment.  Polite people call me frugal.  Not so polite people call me miserly.

So you can understand how hard investing $3,000 is for me.  But you know what?  I decided to bite the bullet and do it anyway.  My rationale went something like this.

When the world wide web hit in the mid 90s I wasn’t in a position to ride the wave like so many of my older friends.  I was young, untrained and had no capital. I didn’t know squat about advertising or marketing.  I couldn’t even afford to buy myself a computer, much less get a business up and running. 

I knew how big the web would be.  I told anyone and everyone who’d listen.  Fortunes were going to be made.  Yet I was powerless to claim a piece of it.  Instead I watched as people I knew got rich.  I saw first Yahoo, then Google become the powerhouses they are today.

Don’t get me wrong I learned some very necessary skills during that time.  Today you’d be hard pressed to find someone more versatile or knowledgable about computers than I am.  I can program, do tech work, web design, database creation, build and repair computers, set up networks…you get the picture.

Still, I’m left with this hollow feeling.  I missed a golden opportunity to ride the digital wave to fame and riches, and that’s haunted me ever since.  It was a once in a lifetime chance, or so I thought.  Now I am not so sure.  I believe I have a second chance and I plan to capitalize on it.

When I was 18 I lacked the drive and discipline to start my own company and make it profitable.  Today I have both.  I can do this.  I will do this.  I have invested nearly $2,000 in hardware and software.  I have looked into advertising, marketing and establishing a killer website.  I have written my first test application.  It’s on my iPhone even as we speak.

In another month I plan to have a beta version of my first iPhone / iPad application ready to go.  I’ll also have another blog post up in the next week or two detailing my progress and marketing strategy.  Wish me luck!